Bartending on the Wagon

Mime crowd at bar


Bartending while on the wagon can be a tricky thing. The normal everyday annoyances of being a public servant either become miniscule or magnified. With the lent season upon us, remember a lot of Irish Catholics end up in the bartending business, or as we like to call it, Utopia.

Not everybody makes conscious decisions to participate in self inflicted self deprivation, it takes a certain breed of people. People who strive to be better, to challenge themselves, or simply need to dry out.

Here is an excerpt from my mock self help book designed to help social inept patrons connect with their neighborhood bartender. Keep this in mind for the next forty five days in order to foster a positive bartender – patron relationship ( and make a sober bartender’s life easier!)


 Place your orders audibly.

Mouthing your orders or using hand gestures to indicate placing an order often results in incorrect order placing, arguments with the bartender, and, ultimately, yes, it happens: overcharging.  Miming and communicating via hand signals are both inappropriate modes of communication in a bar. If you get tired of yelling your order to the bartender, get a friend to do it, write it down, or better yet, call it a night. If you can’t pull your weight, your dead weight .  Dead weight is not just a state of mind it’s also an energy drain, for everybody. Can’t you tell who the party pooper of the group is right away? Even if you don’t know anybody in the group, you just know. They don’t smile, they become easily annoyed when jostled, and nothing tastes right.  They  forgot their ATM card, their phone is dying, and a random spilled red wine on their new kicks. The list goes on and on. These people are prime candidates for the mime or wild hand gesture method of ordering a round. Once the bartender has procured the actual order via hostile interrogation, the dead weight drink purchaser will typically take up to five minutes to figure out his method of payment. For the love of God, be ready to initiate, except and pay for the order all in one swoop. How can you not be prepared to pay for drinks you ordered three minutes ago. The bartender went and made the drinks and came back and you just now think about the method of payment? Go home. That is all I can say. Go home.

But don’t forget to tip your bartender!


Bartender waiting for a customer

Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


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