Everyone takes pity on the single people around the holidays. The influx of people offering to set me up with someone is unpalatable. “What happened to that Italian fella?” “You know who just recently became single, oh what’s his name. He ran for office” “So you’r really not dating anybody”. I can honestly say that I’m happy. Then they speculate I am self centered, egotistical and non committal. Or better yet, a lesbian. I’m gonna tell the next guy I fool around with “ Feel free to tell your friends about this because I want people to know Kendra Cunningham’s still doin’ it”.
I agreed to a blind date recently. A friend sold me on this guy who travels a lot for his work which I think is going to be a prerequisite with me from now on. I like a lot of Kendra time. He was in the film business and smart and funny and all the things that someone says to get you to commit your time to meeting a stranger to see if you might even consider having sex with them. I hadn’t had sex in months so I made the commitment.
I spent 90 minutes listening to how his ex girlfriend used him for his money- braggart, his friendship with Oliver Stone – whoopee ding dong- and how he recently committed 100% to being a vegetarian- pussy. Not one question about me. No “ Have you ever modeled?” which is my favorite line. Yes lay the extraneous compliments on thick. That is fun for me. Not 90 minute monologues. The crescendo was when his ex girlfriend texted him and called him an asshole and he explained the whole situation with his ex who is a crazy lady and obsessed with him and harassing his mother or some shit. I was like you “ you lost me at vegetarian”. I told him I had to go meet some friends and that he should probably deal with his crazy ex pronto. Which was nice of me because I wanted to say “ There was a 97% chance I was gonna sleep with the guy I came here to meet tonight, but somehow you managed to squeeze yourself into the tiny 3% of positively unfuckable category so maybe you want to talk to your buddy Oliver Stone tomorrow about doing a movie “ the Unfuckables” while you’r eating your gold dusted edamame.”
The blind date before that said “ I just don’t think women are funny” when I told him I perform stand up comedy. I think I said “ are you fucking kidding me?” or something along those lines. Silence. Finally he said “ this is awkward”. I said “ Not as awkward as its gonna be when I rip both your balls off and fast pitch them at your forehead” .
Now that was funny. And a girl said it.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.