Bra Abuse

I like to have fun on my birthday.
Exhibit A: Edited email to family with birthday gift suggestions

Good morning,
First I would like to thank you for taking interest in my birthday wants
and desires.
Thank you.
Second, I want you to know this originally started as a 37 item list, as
you will see, I have narrowed it down to 5. No easy feat.
Thirdly, you will both be greatly missed on this special day in history.
Never ending thanks to both of you for ALWAYS being RELENTLESSLY
supportive through the thousands of times I needed it and even when I
Now, on to the important stuff 🙂
Birthday Wishes 2015 in order of desire
1. Carol, Kristen and Butchie Cunningham move here I get a room too.
2. Carol, Kristen, and Butchie Cunningham make short but effective Happy
Birthday video and send to me, the birthday girl.
3. gift certificate to Mendez gym
4. gift certificate for professional bra fitting
5. gifters choice - you get me something you think is ME!

just for the record, I would love you guys just as much even if you didn’t
take interest in buying me presents now just let me get this Pinocchio
outfit off….
I love you

The email was a hit. My sister said she laughed and cried but she didn’t address which item on the list she would be responsible for. I thought it would be rude to ask.
My mother didn’t mention the email. I had to ask “Did you see the email about the presents?”
“Yeah, I got it” she answered, not mentioning which gift she thought she might be interested in gifting.
“Funny, right?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation gift centric.
“That house looked scary. I would never live there“ she said.
I thought it was a cool house.
“Seriously Kendra, that looked like a haunted house. That’s really where you would want to live?”
The birthday gift conversation was way off course. I finally changed the subject with the old safety “Are you going out to eat tonight?”
My mother goes out to eat more than anybody I know. If there is somebody cooking food and selling it, odds are, my mother knows about it.
The next day I got a call. There was a problem with one of my birthday wishes. My mother had called the bra shop and they didn’t do gift certificates. From my mother’s rendition of the story the bra shop owner was unhelpful, repetitive, and condescending. Not somebody the Cunninghams would choose to do business with. The also wanted her credit card information. She wouldn’t give it to them. They asked for her phone number to call her back. It was all too much. The bra fitting that I had envisioned – a once in a lifetime, look changing adventure- had begun to sound like an opportunity to practice vindictiveness on somebody who irritated my mother. Not the way I wanted to celebrate my birthday.
I joked with my mother. I said “If they call you back tell them the deal is off. Then I’ll go by there this weekend , kick the door open and say
“Carol Cunningham, that name mean anything to you?”
pause to establish eye contact
“She called looking to buy a bra fitting gift certificate for her daughter for her birthday…ring a bell?”……….
Then I proudly flash them my tits and say
“You just lost yourself a sale”
I throw a pizza stained bra on the counter and walk out.
Five minutes later I run back in “Can I get that bra back? It’s my favorite”

“Hey, I’m not a napkin” -things my bra would say

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

twitter: theotherkendra


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