I was recently told the butcher shop at the end of my street is the best in the neighborhood. It’s always packed. I went in the other day and waited patiently in line while people ordered prime rib and lamb shanks and stuff to make their own sausages. You have to scream your order because there are 5 butchers working at once, confirming orders, yelling stuff in Spanish and Italian and sometimes English. It was finally my turn “How ya doin? Can I get half a pound of bologna and half pound of cheddar cheese?” As I finished I realized I was the only person who had ordered cold cuts.
“that’s it? That’s all you want? ” the butcher sounded disappointed to have to deal with a lowly cold cut order.
“ Yeah. I’ll take some olive loaf too” I figured olive loaf would be something you had to go to the butcher for.
He yelled something in Spanish and suddenly there was a lot of butcher to butcher talk. I thought maybe they were making fun of me but it didn’t bother me. I was bologna and cheese proud. The olive loaf was a bit embarrassing but it was only one third of my order.
My butcher came back to me “when is the last time you had olive loaf? “
“ I don’t remember” I replied honestly.
“We haven’t carried olive loaf in ten years. I don’t know if they even sell it anymore” he said.
The lamb shank lady in front of me pipes in “ Olive loaf? I think that’s been illegal since 1992”
Ha ha. They had a cheap olive loaf laugh right there in front of me.
I wasn’t sure how to play it off. I could act like I was simply trying to fuck with the butcher “ no olive loaf? ok give me a pound of teradactyl rump? What you don’t have prehistoric beef here? I thought this was theeeeeeeeeeee butcher shop! Whatevah” but then I would feel like I was trying to be accepted into the butcher shop silly circle.
I mumbled something like “ oh ok My mother is gonna be disappointed”
When all else fails blame any embarrassing situation on your mother.
I ate half a pound of bologna in 24 hours.
Apparently they do still make olive loaf, although after seeing a picture of it I don’t remember liking it all that much.
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.