A family friend I have not seen in forever texted me last week:
“Hey I got a wedding Thursday June 17th, want to come to Boston and be my date?”
I wanted to text:
“That depends, can I buy a new expensive dress that won’t fit me quite right and then spend the night meeting a boatload of people I will never see again even though I will reveal a lot of information about myself to them in a short period of time including:
Where I’m from, where my family is currently, what I do, what I used to do, what I want to do, my relationship (status, history, and wants), kids, marriage, money, hopes, dreams, disappointments
Is that the offer? When I get there, can swig champagne out of the bottle and pound a numerous variety of drinks in succession so I can convince myself that my 80’s foot shuffling dance techniques trump any 22 year old droppin it like it's hot repertoire? Kick my shoes off and just have some good old fashioned fun celebrating the most important day in a complete and utter stranger’s life, all before I have to jump back on a BUS to New York less than 24 hours later?”
What I did text:
“ I respectfully decline”
I don’t even want to go to weddings I’M invited to. Wedding throwers should get a little video clip of the moment invitees receive the wedding invitation in the mail. It would look like this:
Person rifling through pile of mail comes across a high quality paper envelope addressed with Old English Calligraphy. A wedding invitation. Only lovebirds like the looks of calligraphy.
“C’mon, what the hell is this ? You gotta be shitting me”
Throwing head back
“Noooooooooo nooooooooooooooo nooooooooooooooo I don’t want to go.”
Ripping it open
“ No I don’t want to bring a guest. I don’t have a guest. If I had a guest I would definitely be busy on a vacation with my guest on the very date your getting married. Or my guest would be having a surgery the week prior, forcing us to pass. Maybe me and my guest would be in a third world country doing good stuff for helpless people. We’d definitely be too busy. We’d be a very busy couple. ”
Don’t invite me. It’s like a personal challenge “ Hey you got 6 weeks to find a guy to ask out on a formal date that will last approximately 10 hours in another state – good luck! And.. oh yeah, it’ll cost you AT LEAST 500 bucks. Here is a link to our gift registry. There is a small viewing charge and then a hundred dollar minimum. You’re really important to us! Even though we sent the invitation to an apartment you haven’t lived in for years and invited you with a guest despite the fact you have had nothing but meaningless passing flings for the past two years. Two years, the exact length of time it took us to meet, fall in love, and decide to spend the rest of our lives together, what a coincidence!”
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.