Cheating Louse

Years ago I wrote for a blog called Beauty and the Beast. People would write in for relationship advice. I miss it.
Here is a piece I wrote on cheaters. The question was “Should I stay with a cheater?”

I’ve never been a cheater. Mostly because I know I would never get away with it. I’m a horrible liar. I’m one of those people who giggle when they lie. That’s my tell.
Boyfriend:” Kendra! Where the hell have you been?”
Me: snickering ” I was……. at the office.”
Boyfriend:” Office? Whose office? You don’t have an office. Is this a beer stained BRA in your purse?”
Me: “Huh? Oh that? That’s a bra shaped wallet. I SWEAR! ” fake coughing fit to cover up chuckle

If I’m never interrogated, I’m fine. I do much better as the cheater’s accomplice, aka the other women. All I have to do is keep my mouth shut. Easy. Keep my mouth shut and my bedroom door open.
Whether or not you stay with a cheater depends on two
things, how many cheating episodes and how they got busted. A cheater that comes clean about an isolated cheating episode is a lot different than a chronic cheater who gets busted before admission.

Unsolicited Confession:
An unsolicited confession means one of two things the cheater feels wicked guilty or they want out of the relationship. Either way, retaliation is mandatory. It’s really the only way to regain self-respect. If they want out, they’re going to go anyway so you might as well send them off with some open wounds. Torture them emotionally and verbally for at least six weeks. Hopefully you know how to be blatantly malicious. Do everything you can to make a fool out of them, humiliate them. Payback’s a bitch. Only after you have witnessed them suffer and beg for forgiveness, should you consider patching things up. At that point you may be having so much fun with your new personality; you may want to be free to torment numerous members of the opposite sex. Who knows?

Anyone who gets busted cheating is not to be trusted. Being an Irish Catholic from Boston, I can hold a grudge for a lifetime. For a lot lesser offenses. So, personally, I’d be done right then and there. Unless of course, they were amazing in bed. Then it’s a crap shoot. But I will say this, if you catch someone cheating, don’t just tell them off- go bananas! Throw a crazed shit fit and scare the crap out of them, break stuff, throw household items at them, end it with some calmly delivered threat then quietly gather up your things and leave. That way if you do ever reconcile they’ll be too terrified to try to pull a fast one on you again.

Now go snoop around!

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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