I’m definitely an emotional eater. Unfortunately for me I have a lot of undefined emotions. I ate three Rotisserie chickens in the month of July. I can polish one of those things off quicker than you can say “Would you like some silverware?” I’m like “Oh, no, I’m done. Can you get these chicken remains away from me? Do I have any fatty skin on my face? I’m still hungry”
That’s one reason I could never be a vegetarian. Vegetables don’t make me feel anything. Especially not full. You never see a vegetarian push themselves away from the table, unbutton their pants and say “Christ I can’t believe I just ate that. Spinach, lentils, AND kale? I’m such a pig.”
It does feel somewhat criminal to have more than one animal carcass in your trash. At one point I had two chicken skeletons and 13 Starbucks cups in my barrel. I’m pretty sure that means something. I had thoughts of getting my trash analyzed but I was afraid the analysis would come back saying something like “the last time we saw this trash combination was in the flop house of a 57 year old streaker who ultimately shaved her head and removed her own toe nails before calling in a death threat to an old lover whom she had not spoken to in 17 years” I don’t want any “what’s going to happen with my life” foreshadowing.
I have to start food shopping. And waiting until I’m hungry before I eat. I can’t remember the last time I ate because I was hungry. I think the last time my stomach growled was at a Nirvana concert.
I did go to the grocery store recently. I found myself heckling the food I was not going to buy “Canned beets? Ya, I don’t think so. I hope you have a long shelf life my friend. Fruit salad in a can? I want a “who buys the canned fruit salad” cam installed. Pronto! Oh and here we have food for pica people. Want to eat cardboard but it’s socially unacceptable? Don’t want your paper eating compulsion exposed? Buy these flatbread crackers, they taste like cardboard but they’re in a cracker package! Cheez its should sue! They should not be grouped in with inedible crackers. Cheez its should have their own display. Actually I wouldn’t mind being a Cheez its salesperson………..” it goes on and on. Then I get to the register and realize 7 out of my 12 items are made by White Rose. The cash register operator should be allowed to upsell you. They’d have a field day with me and I’d be humiliated out of my “all my items are $5 dollars or less” habit. There is nothing like a Jeno’s pizza for one. At least I call it a pizza for one; I guess it’s just a pizza.
The checkout girl chose not to act as a commentator in fact she chose to act like I was one big pain in the ass disturbing her texting session. When she was done belligerently ringing me up she asked “Did you bring a recyclable bag?” but she looked over her shoulder at Lord knows what when she said it. No eye contact. I shook my head but she couldn’t see me. She got annoyed “You want me to bag this stuff?” I was like “Yeah I want you to bag it. I want you to continue to work in front of the annoying lady with 12 items. Better yet don’t touch my shit. I’m going to carry my items home one by one. That way I can bug the crap out of you ELEVEN more times today. Give me my Bread and Butter pickles, I’ll be back!”
Ok I didn’t say all that but I did ask her to double bag my stuff.
And I was real snippy when I said it.
I swear I saw her look at the calorie content of my Temp Tee cream cheese.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.