Childish Dialogue

Should I have kids

Most of my friends from Boston have kids. The only time I am around kids is when I go home to visit. I don’t know if I would make a good mother. I can’t talk to kids.  It drives me nuts that they ask questions that they can’t possibly understand the answer to.

They think every adult has kids.

Kid :” where are your kids?”

Me: “ I don’t have any”

Kid: " WHY?” 

Me, answering honestly :“ I’ve gotten away with so much,  I think it would give God a perfect opportunity to punish me for the rest of my life”

Kid with a blank look: “you want to build a fort?”

Me: ”only if my input is valued, last time we didn’t use any of my ideas”

Kid decides to look for new , easy going, fun people to play.


The new one is

Kid:“how come you don’t have a husband?”

Me: “because I believe everybody deserves to be happy”

Kid struggling to keep practicing his language skills: “auntie Kendra…”

Me, interrupting : “ I’m not your aunt, I’m your mother’s friend.

Kid runs away


The best one so far:

Kid: “ where do you work?”

Me:” In New York”

Kid: “ whats a boob job?”

Me: “ um I don’t know”

Kid” “My dad said he thought you had a boob job but my mom said no”

Me: “ no I don’t have a boob job”

Kid: “ what kind of job do you have?”

Me: “ a shitty one”

Kid: “ that’s a bad word”

Me: “ oh please give me a break”

Kid becomes very interested in something across the room and waddles away.


I always end up in the kids free area of the backyard near the grill and cooler, patting the dog.

Wondering why my friend’s husband said I had a boob job.

Rationalizing it in my favor “ I guess my boobs look unusually good in this tight, low cut, not really made for a family party, shirt!”

Good to know.

Girl on cooler


Thanks for listening!




 Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

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