Most of my friends from Boston have kids. The only time I am around kids is when I go home to visit. I don’t know if I would make a good mother. I can’t talk to kids. It drives me nuts that they ask questions that they can’t possibly understand the answer to.
They think every adult has kids.
Kid :” where are your kids?”
Me: “ I don’t have any”
Kid: " WHY?”
Me, answering honestly :“ I’ve gotten away with so much, I think it would give God a perfect opportunity to punish me for the rest of my life”
Kid with a blank look: “you want to build a fort?”
Me: ”only if my input is valued, last time we didn’t use any of my ideas”
Kid decides to look for new , easy going, fun people to play.
The new one is
Kid:“how come you don’t have a husband?”
Me: “because I believe everybody deserves to be happy”
Kid struggling to keep practicing his language skills: “auntie Kendra…”
Me, interrupting : “ I’m not your aunt, I’m your mother’s friend.
Kid runs away
The best one so far:
Kid: “ where do you work?”
Me:” In New York”
Kid: “ whats a boob job?”
Me: “ um I don’t know”
Kid” “My dad said he thought you had a boob job but my mom said no”
Me: “ no I don’t have a boob job”
Kid: “ what kind of job do you have?”
Me: “ a shitty one”
Kid: “ that’s a bad word”
Me: “ oh please give me a break”
Kid becomes very interested in something across the room and waddles away.
I always end up in the kids free area of the backyard near the grill and cooler, patting the dog.
Wondering why my friend’s husband said I had a boob job.
Rationalizing it in my favor “ I guess my boobs look unusually good in this tight, low cut, not really made for a family party, shirt!”
Good to know.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.