I’ve stopped trying to lose weight. Now I just buy clothes too small for me and stuff myself into them. It works. Now I’m only uncomfortable when fully clothed which tends to be less and less nowadays. I popped buttons off two different pairs of jeans in the past six weeks. Not just a “oh I lost a button” experience, more like a“ Heads Up! Look out! ” incident. Buttons bursting from pressure and flying across the room causing people to look around, bewildered, asking “ what the hell was that?” .
“That would be the button exploding off my pants. Excuse me as I run home before I blow up like Violet Beauregarde”**
I am a grazer. To a fault. A lot of health fanatics say you should eat six meals a day, six small meals. I have anywhere from eight to ten small meals a day. That is probably too much. I’m always loading up on snacks in the event I get hungry but I never do. I forget about food I buy and put in my purse for a snack. Today I found a cookie, a bag of nuts, and four tootsie rolls on the bottom of my bag. I have no idea when I purchased them. My stomach has had it with me “ Ok Cunningham , enough with the chowhound behavior. You don’t have a four compartment stomach. You’re not a cow, You’re a human. You have one stomach and it’s full, Ya hear me? Full. Now , I’m not even gonna start digesting this stuff because I know how you are. I digest the cheeseburger, leaving a bit of breathing space and -pow -you suck down a bowl of chili. I’m not working my ass off here and then –boom- doused with alcohol as soon as the sun goes down. You can walk around like a goddamn rattlesnake with every morsel of undigested food protruding through your taut belly skin for all I care. Try to squeeze into those jeans now ya pig “
My jaw is probably the most overused muscle in my body. I’m confident I could pull nails out of a wall with my bare teeth, if I needed to. My teeth are almost completely insensitive at this point. I was half way through an apple core the other day before I realized I was enthusiastically devouring the unedible part of the apple. I won’t order chicken wings anymore because I’m afraid I’ll plow right the bones and the bartender will watch in horror.
Bartender: (stepping back in horror) “You know there were bones in those don’t you?”
Me: (wiping my mouth) ” Oh, were there?” Weak smile “ Maybe you should take my place setting before I eat that too!”
Attempt at acceptance through humor.
“I should probably cash out then. ”
Sometimes you just shouldn’t leave the house.
**Violet Beauregarde is the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Violet_Beauregarde
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.