My mother loves to talk on the phone. I can only think of one time off the top of my head where she did not want to talk on the phone and it was because her GPS “was all screwed up” and she had to figure out “how the hell to get home”.
Unless there is a dire emergency that requires 100% of your attention, she doesn’t understand how anybody would prefer to be off the phone when given the opportunity to be on the phone with her. You can even say the words “I don’t feel like talking on the phone”, doesn’t matter. No Impact. She knows there is no dangerous situation you need to deal with. She knows you are just saying you don’t feel like talking on the phone but once you start talking… you’ll love it! The stories you’ll tell and more importantly, listen to!
Last night I didn’t feel like talking on the phone. I didn’t say that right off the bat, I thought I could manage the situation. Then I mentioned, in passing, how I might need to get my air conditioner put in which resulted in a barrage of questions and possible solutions to beating the hot weather.
Mom: Do you have a fan?
Me: Yes, but a fan isn’t the same as air conditioning.
Mom: Can you get another fan?
Me: Yea, maybe I’ll try that.
Mom: But you have an air conditioner?
Me: yea, yeah.
Mom: I’ll come to New York and help you with air conditioner.
Me: Mom, stop. You are not coming to New York to help me put my air conditioner in my window.
Mom: What? I don’t mind. I want to help.
Me: It’s fine. I don’t even want the air conditioner in. It costs a fortune. I was just saying “I might have to put the air conditioner in” as a conversation filler.
Mom: Conversation filler? What the hell do you need conversation filler for? Our conversations don’t need fillers.
Me: I mean, we were talking about how hot it is and I was using that as way to show how hot it was.
Mom: I’m coming to New York and we are putting in that air conditioner.
Me: No! I don’t want it! My electricity bill will go through the roof.
Mom: I’ll pay the bill.
I couldn’t manage the situation. My head was spinning. I didn’t want to talk about the air conditioner and I didn’t want to be on the phone. I finally admitted I was cranky and I wanted to get off the phon. She only heard the poor emotional state admission, she responded “Cranky? What are you cranky about?”
One thing I should know about my mother by now is, she says when the phone call is over.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.