Daydream: Intercepting Your Neighbor's Seamless Delivery

I’ve lived in my apartment for over 10 years. It’s an eight apartment building and I’ve got seniority over all the other tenants. I think that should give me some clout. Nobody gives a shit. One neighbor had a cookout for Memorial Day, the view from my window proved it was more than just a family get together. In fact, the streets in my neighborhood were barron. I think they invited everybody in a two mile radius except me.
What happened to the good old days when people invited their neighbors over? Classic movies always show neighbors knocking on the door across the hall “Sorry to bother you, I just ran out of milk and I haven’t had my breakfast yet, could I trouble you for a glass?”
I wanted to knock on the host’s door
“Sorry to bother you, I just ran out of cheeseburgers and I haven’t had my dinner yet, could I trouble you for for a double, medium rare, cheddar cheese and mayo? Maybe it’s easier if I just make a plate?”
My upstairs neighbors had a party and their guests kept accidentally ringing my buzzer to get to a party I had not been invited to. After the fourth erroneous buzz, I wanted to crank my music, open my door and start corralling people into my place, hijack the guests.
“Just leave the casserole on the counter”
“Oh, a bottle of Cabernet, great!”
Eventually people would start asking “Where are Jim and Susan?”
I’d smile creepily and say “I’m sure they’ll be here anyyyyy minute”
I start locking 17 different locks on the door.
I never shit. I never even complained about the disruption on my night home but I haven’t let it go. I keep having these daydreams of intercepting their Seamless deliveries.
“Hi, pizza boy!! (waving a chiffon scarf) that’s me. I put the wrong apartment number in. oopsie!” or slipping self addressed invites under their door with the date and time left blank.
I know I spend way more time thinking about my neighbors than they think about me. I truly believe I am an unutilized asset to the building. I mean, I could tell them about previous tenants, a tour guide of sorts. Of course, they would have no way to fact check.
“Hi, I’m Kendra. Welcome to the building. Just a heads up, the previous tenants of this apartment invited me to all their parties, acknowledged when I had new outfits, and on Sundays, they would cook fresh cinnamon buns and leave them outside my door with a light knock. I would love to keep these traditions going, sooooo, as a housewarming gift, I got you this baking tray and my favorite cinnamon bun recipe! I usually sleep late on Sundays. I guess that is it, too-da-lo!”
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed where she eats, sleeps, and occasionally entertains.
twitter @theotherkendra
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