Dead Dreams at Bargain Prices

Today I bought three lipsticks in less than ten minutes. The things you can do when placed under time constraints. That brings my lipstick collection up to 173. 2016 is my year to be super fem. All my passwords have the word DIVA in them.
Last week I wanted a haircut. My hairdresser is in high demand and I can’t just call up on a whim and get an appointment that day or that week for that matter. So I took to Groupon. I found one close to the office I have been working in. $49 for cut, deep conditioner, and blow dry. I grabbed it!
I showed up at the salon and the median age for the customers was 72. I stopped myself from asking “did everybody come in here in their 70’s or is there something in the water?” I ended up having a blast and hinted numerous times that I would like to get involved in their Saturday afternoon card game. Everybody pretended they couldn’t hear me. After the third “what was that,dear?” and two attempts at communicating my desire via mime, I started to catch their drift.
I’m a sucker for good deals. I can’t tell you how many Groupons I have purchased and never used. I know for a fact I bought a sword fighting class about three years ago that I never went to. I’d have to do some research to see what other awesome hobbies I wanted to start. I bought a Bongo set about six months ago. I then proceeded to try to find cheap Bongo lessons online. One site had me put in my name and cell which I did because it was almost 1 in the morning and I had had two (or three) glasses of wine. I got a voicemail from a potential instructor the next day. I didn’t like the sound of his voice so I never called back. He called my phone for 6 weeks. I started to get spiteful and also afraid to pursue other instructors in the event they all knew each other.
I took a few YouTube lessons instead. Turns out, playing the Bongos isn’t as willy nilly as it seems. You really need to use your hands and fingers in certain ways. The enjoyment of banging on the drums starts to wane when you realize you are not a natural at the Bongos. I pursued a dream that died in two months at the low, low price of $24 coupled with the mildly annoying voicemails from a teacher I didn’t like despite never meeting him. I didn’t set out to pursue a dream at bargain prices but that’s what I got. I guess it just comes naturally to me now.
I was brought up that way. I remember going imperfect clothes shopping with my mother. I’d find an awesome blouse that had one sleeve longer than the other and my mother would be like
“Roll up the sleeves! Or just rip that one off! It’s $10!”
Finding a bargain is fun!

Now I’m big into vintage clothes. My mother will say things like “for all you know, you are wearing the wardrobe of a spinster!” I do wish vintage clothes came with their back story.
The other day I walked through Macy’s and felt like I was at a new car dealership. I was picking up clothes and sniffing them. There is something meditative about looking at a brand new white oxford with no pit stains. It truly is breathtaking.
My mother will look for bargains where they don’t exist. She’ll go into a retail store like she’s at an arts and crafts fair in Nepal where everybody just needs to MAKE A SALE so they can have milk tomorrow.
Hypothetical visit to Target:
Mom: how much is this Patio set? The table and chairs over there?
Salesperson: $650
Mom: (gives the set a once over) I’ll give you $200
Salesperson: it’s not open for negotiation.
Mom: I’ll see you at the unemployment line, my friend.
I will say, one time I saw a wooden chair at a furniture shop on Smith street I wanted. My mother happened to be in town and bargained the price down $50 because of a scratch on the wood.
I don’t recall that scratch being on the chair before I showed it to my mother but I never said a word.

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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