Derivative of Love

Saturday night I went to a bachelorette party and hid from a stripper. Sunday I went to a sports bar and forced conversation with fat guys. What a difference a day makes. I want a boyfriend. I just don’t want to have to FIND him. I had a guy come up to me at the bar and say “Are you waiting for your husband?” I said “Yes! Are you him?”  Why can’t it just be that easy?

It usually is this time of year that I think about it the most. With the winter coming and the days getting shorter, it’s a great time of year to focus on somebody else’s shortcomings!  But seriously fall is the best time of year to look for love or a derivative of love. Here’s my two cents!

Fall  is the best season to look for a new boyfriend. Most guys are tired from drinking and chasing tail all summer. Now its fall and they don’t want to spend time hounding girls, they want to watch football. For the record, ladies, trying to meet guys at a sports bar during a football game is a caloric waste of time. Only go to watch a game if you’re truly interested. Guys can smell a phony a mile away. Unless of course, that phony is forward, friendly, and has big tits. Let’s face it, big boobs and sports related nonsense make men vulnerable.

So, yeah, fall is the best season to land a snuggle bunny for the winter. Try to get as many possibilities in the pipeline by Thanksgiving by utilizing as many hook up techniques as possible.  Ask to be set up, troll  bars, and of course the most popular amongst the 20 somethings, the online dating sites.

If you’re trolling bars, go to happy hours. Make it a point to meet a man with a job! A stressful one that makes him want to drink and meet women to feel better about himself. Guys with stressful jobs tend to want to flaunt their financial status, which translates into dinners, presents, concerts, trips etc. You may even be able to groom yourself one of these, usually elusive, sugar daddy situations.

Ask for referrals and accept set ups.  If you have friends that have someone who is “perfect for you” “ looking to settle down” or “ from a good family” – go ! Referrals can be one of the best ways to meet someone with common interests and expectations.  Most likely they won’t do anything too crazy because you have mutual friends. A bad date story travels quickly.

I occasionally hear of people meeting online. A very small percentage compared to the amount of people I hear who have TRIED online dating. I still equate online dating with predators, misogynists, and sex addicts.  I’ll admit I’ve set up a few online dating accounts and enjoyed the influx of “I’m interested in you” emails. But not once have I taken a shower, picked out an outfit and left the house to meet any of those people. So, no, I’m not an advocate for online dating but, yeah, I know it works for some people. So try it. Bring a back up. Or a weapon. At least leave a breadcrumb trail.

Whatever combination of these methods you choose, try to have at least two or three potentials in the pipeline by Thanksgiving. If you’re anything like me, two or three will be tough. I’m lucky to be attracted to one new person a year. Lower your expectations or rearrange your priorities. After Thanksgiving, you start talking about Christmas. If he doesn’t ask you what you want, get rid of him, unless you REALLY like him then ask him what he wants, invite him to meet the family, be forward, aggressive, relentless- the gloves are off! The clocks ticking.

This is New York, people!

It’s a jungle out there.





Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

twitter @kendracomedy


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