Did you lose weight? and other great ways to get the bartender to like you

Trying to achieve that coveted Bar Regular status? When the bartender acknowledges you with a smile and remembers your favorite drink, maybe even gives you a nickname (because they can’t remember your real name even though they know a lot about you) I once served a guy for 5 years, Rum and Coke Tommy. He drank Rum and Cokes and his name was Tommy. His mother lived in Arizona and he brought me cupcakes. If the cops sat me down and interrogated me for hours, I would not be able to tell them his last name. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like him, it just wasn’t an important piece of information in our relationship. Never question a man that brings you bakery made Hostess cupcakes. He was “a regular”. Did he get better service? Maybe. He definitely got more attention.
If you are angling to be a Regular at your local bar, here are three complimentary tips.
Don’t wave the bartender down.
People who go to bars, listen, I know a lot of you already know but I know people, nice people, good people, people I hang around with; who did not know that you should not wave down a bartender. Why? Because we don’t like it. The bartender understands you are at the bar, looking at the bartender because you want a drink. We can read your body language without you flailing around like you just can’t take waiting anymore and you have to DO something to speed up the process. Waving will not speed up the process. When people wave to me, I wave back and I serve somebody else. You think you have signalled for a drink, I see your signal as a forewarning that you are not a seasoned drinker. My guess is I will ask you what you want, you will order your drink then turn to your three friends and proceed to give me one drink order at a time. Also incorrect behavior in a bar. Have your total order ready to be communicated audibly and method of payment in hand. Waving a bartender down then not knowing how you are going to pay? C’mon. You weren’t ready. That’s actually three pointers in one.

Don’t tell the bartender to keep the change if it’s just that, change.
We have nickels, dimes and quarters. We can find change on the sidewalk like non-bartender people. Most bartenders are not bartending to expand their coin collection. Bartenders tend to bartend because they want to make money. I have never met a bartender who said something like “ Boy people really are holding on to their nickels and dimes nowadays, I am so SICK of all these five dollar bill tips!” In fact I have witnessed bartenders hum a quarter or two at the louse who left it for a tip. It’s risky since the people who leave menial change for a tip are the same people who will actually acknowledge that someone just whipped a quarter at their forehead.

Compliment your bartender.
That’s right. Flattery will get you everywhere. I am talking about clean cut, subtle compliments like “That’s a great color on you.” Or “Your hair looks super shiny today” or “Your skin is simply glowing, did you get a facial or workout or something?” These are the innocent compliments that can change a bartender’s day. They are not leading or necessarily flirtatious and, hell, maybe they are not even honest, but believe me, they work. Especially the GrandDaddy of all compliments “ you look like you lost weight.” If that does not get you a buy back, there is something inherently lecherous about you and I don’t have any tips for that. I wish I did because Lord knows there is a whole microcosm of society that could benefit from being less lecherous. This tip can work in all aspects of life. It is pretty fun giving compliments and before you know it, people will be fawning all over you. People like people who make them feel good about themselves and you may find, they start complimenting you back. Now get out there and start your own Mutual Admiration Society.

Feel free to email me for more words of wisdom.
I just want everybody to be happy.
Including me.
By the way, you look like you lost weight!

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a $3000 bed where she eats, sleeps, and occasionally entertains.
twitter @theotherkendra
Instagram @theotherkendra

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