Don't Take a Selfie at Your Outpatient Day Program and other helpful hints for successful app dating

Bored? Get your sister to sign up for a dating app! It’s hours of endless fun. You think you are a nice person? Kind hearted? Take a look at a dating app and listen to the terrible things that fly out of your mouth. “Never” “No way in hell” “Fugly” “Ok this one is scary”
Are you casting a horror movie? Get on OK Cupid and set up some auditions. You will have yourself a box office smash. Dudes need help on apps. There are selfies in dark corners of what looks like a mental health day program facility. Go outside. Get somebody else to take a picture. Attend a social event and force your way into a group shot. Do not share your mug shot or photos of you with dead animals you just killed.
My sister was “browsing” through one of these dating apps. She showed me pictures of men that could have had the caption “you may have seen me on season 6 of Hoarders. Now when people ask me “where is your ex girlfriend” I have an answer. Charges were dropped. She died accidentally when a 200 pound stack of old newspapers and dirty magazines fell on her. I never noticed the mess” .
Every once in a while she’d say “Ok, this guy is cute” and hand me the phone so I could pass my judgement. One time she actually got excited “This guy is cute, AND likes dogs, AND he goes to the beach, AND he has pictures with other people, AND oh forget it”
Me: What?
Her: He’s into some weird sex thing. Sexual preference: Sapiosexual
Me: Gross. I never even heard of it.
Her: Yeah, of course you haven’t because you aren’t a total pervert.
Me: No I’m not. What is it? Sapiosexual?
Her: Don’t look it up! It’ll probably send weird adds to your feed.
Me: A sapiosexual is someone who finds intelligence and the human mind to be the most sexually attractive feature in the opposite sex.
Her: So gross!
Me: SIck fuck!
Boy, did we laugh.You don’t even have to go on a date to have fun app dating.
Shortly after she found another good one “This guy is cute in EVERY picture”
Me: Let me see. Yeah, he’s conventionally attractive.
Her: That sounds boring. Ok never mind.
Me: Don’t toss him out because he’s conventionally attractive.
Her: No he’s an idiot. He put DDF instead of DTF. And der, DTF, that’s a given. You’re on an APP.
Me: DDF? Urban dictionary says it means Drug and Disease Free

We don’t even know the lingo.
Struggling with effective communication runs in my family. My mother loves to throw big words into conversations then stops to confirm that she has used the word in the right way.
“Well that is a quixotic plan if you ask me. Quixotic means unreasonable, right?”
“This girl who works the counter, I swear, she is a misanthrope. Misanthrope means you don’t like people in general, right?”

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn. She owns a $3000 bed where she sleeps, eats and occasionally entertains.
twitter @theotherkendra
Instagram @theotherkendra

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