I ran into a friend last week at my local watering hole, we both squealed “Oh my God!!” and laughed.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I’m on an OK Cupid date” she said, “What are you doing here?” she asked me.
“I live around the corner” I said quickly, her situation was more interesting. “How’s the date going? Do you need help?”
“He’s really nice”
I wanted to get a look at him but the floor plan was not in my favor. We chatted more and then she looked over her shoulder and said she had to get back to her date, I looked over my shoulder to make sure my tequila was still on the bar and nobody was pouring powder into it.
Still trying to gather evidence that dating is a terrible waste of time, I asked “So are you attracted to him?”
“Um, I don’t know yet.”
I wanted to ask more detailed questions “Well, is he tall and stocky with smiley eyes?” maybe I would be attracted to him.
“What about you? Are you dating?” she asked.
“God no! I haven’t been on a date in 8 months”
“8 months?” she looked at me like I had begun an intriguing and confusing storyline that she wanted to understand. Maybe I had a baby, or I’d been making a documentary in Eastern Europe, or I had gotten in trouble with the law. None of that stuff happened. I couldn’t tell her the last date I went on was a bust because: he didn’t try hard enough
This was my last date:
We had dinner plans on a Thursday night. He had something to do and wouldn’t be home until 8pm. It was Thursday at 6:30 PM and that is all I knew about my “DATE” that night.
At 6:45 I made the first mistake of the night, I texted him “are we still on for tonight?”
Ladies, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but to the small percentage of the population who still lives in a first draft version of a Love Boat episode like me, if it’s an hour and a half before the date time and you don’t know what is happening, JUMP SHIP!
I didn’t want to jump ship, I hadn’t been on a new ship in a while and I liked my outfit, so I white knuckled my way through a pathetic text.
To make a long story short, I finally met him on a street corner at 9 pm, after he changed the meeting time and location several times in an hour. It was like I was on a scavenger hunt for my uninterested date.
Like I said, I had a great outfit on. I was going out to dinner with a guy in Prospect Heights, a neighborhood close to me but still undiscovered by my palate. My guess is he hadn’t showered in the last 24 hours and may or may not have just been napping at another girl’s house. Based on appearance alone, I knew he wasn’t trying to win me over. He didn’t care.
We went to an Italian place that had all the lights on. Everything was the same price. He knew the waitress. He wasn’t trying to impress me. I had Pasta Alfredo for $12.95 and paid for my own taxi home.
I didn’t tell my friend all that, I said “I just hate dating” and broke eye contact.
C’mon! I cannot be the only one who hates to date.
She threw me a consolation compliment. “Ok, well, you look great!” which was nice because I did have a cool shirt on.
“You too!” I said and she really did. Her skin was glowing and she had just the right amount of make up on and she was smiley.
I walked back to my tequila. The couple next to me was just getting to know each other “So how long have you lived in Brooklyn?”
Then it hit me; I was in a date bar, by myself, drinking tequila.
I had never thought of my local spot as a date bar but I could see it. I sat there for a few minutes singing in my head "she drank tequila at a first date bar and she didn’t care no more, no she didn’t care no more" Then I spent some time mocking the guy next to me in my head; “I’m lucky, I really like my work. I don’t even call it a job. (insert his laugh here) and I make more money than I ever thought I would (insert his semi erection from his heightened sense of self-worth here)”
He was actually good looking and big boned, my type, but I wanted to throw my head back and say loudly “Oh, please, for the love of God, stop talking about yourself already” and I wasn’t even on the date with him.
I’m not in a good place to meet new men.
I’m already annoyed with the next guy who asks me out.
Come and get it, fellas! (Cue Dinner Bell Sound Effect)
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.