My mother loves meatballs.
She’ll ask things like “Now did I tell you about the meatball dinner I had the other night? I can’t remember who I told and who I didn’t. I don’t want to repeat myself”
I love to hear about a good meatball. Good meatballs are hard to find. The meatballs my mother had were seasoned well, a perfect size and tasted fresh. A meatball trifactor. Not only that the meatballs were free. C’mon who gives out free meatballs?
Crap I can’t think of his name. A Boston politician. He’s onto something here.
It gets better. My mother stumbled upon the opportunity for free meatballs by chance. She was just going for a walk. Stretching her legs and stumbled upon the gathering willy nilly. Imagine going out for some fresh air and walking into a room full of people eating your favorite entrée free of charge.
My mother lives in a 55 and over community with common areas used for meetings and classes and MEATBALL events. ‘
She heard voices and opened the door and boom. There it was.
My mother worked in the State House in Human resources, so she knows some people. Turns out some of the people she knows were running this event.
“Carol!” people yelled. My mother is well liked.
They got her a chair and a plate and really treated her special. Her friends said things like “Ohhhh Queen Carol, with the special treatment”
“That’s right! Watch and learn” my mother retorted with her fork in a meatball.
Her only complaint was she wasn’t dressed. People had gotten dressed to come to the event. My mother was in walking clothes. She is typically overdressed and wants to keep that reputation alive. She had to initiate a lot of conversations about how she didn’t know about the event and she was exercising when she heard the revelrie.
They sent everybody home with a cupcake. Which is really why I tell this story. My mother took the cupcake and brought it home but never ate it.
Five days later she told my sister about the cupcake and offered it to her.
My sister declined the five-day old cupcake.
My mother assured her it was still fresh as she had frozen the cupcake to preserve it.
My mother is freezing free cupcakes. A cupcake that you can buy fresh for less than $5. Why eat an old cupcake that needs to be defrosted?
I don’t want to be waiting for the defrosting process.
This reminds me of the time I ordered a blueberry muffin at Starbucks and they offered to heat it up.
I felt like they were going out their way to make this better for me.
I beamed "Yes I would like it heated"
I left Starbucks with my hot muffin and took a piece off and stuck it in my mouth while walking down the street.
It was delicious- I wished I was with a friend so I could say “you have to taste this muffin” it was so good, I wanted to share it.
I sipped my coffee and thought about sitting on a bench and really making a big to do out of my muffin purchase but also did not want to run the risk of seeing somebody I know and then they can later say “I ran into Kendra’
“She was sitting on a bench eating a muffin”
I kept walking and eating instead.
I reached in to pull another piece off my heated blueberry muffin and boom. Frozen in the middle. The muffin had been frozen from the get-go. Heating the muffin wasn’t a step up in customer service it was a necessity. They cannot in good judgement sell a frozen muffin. They have to heat it.
Ooooh boy. I had to stop myself from going back and complaining and letting them have it for this mood-altering experience.
I wasn’t expecting much. They offered me more, then I found out they were bullshitting me the whole time. My outlook for the day had swung the pendulum rapidly in the course of one hour. I was now worse off than pre- muffin.
Now I have my mother with frozen cupcakes- no way. I can’t have frozen baked goods in the family.
I told her I had a bad experience with a frozen muffin.
She agreed Starbucks was in the wrong. I asked her “So, what are you gonna do with the muffin now?”
She said “Well, maybe it’s an expensive muffin”
Me: “so you want to try to sell it?”
She said “God, no. I don’t have time”
Says the woman freezing free cupcakes.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn. She is the proud owner of a $3000 bed where she eats, drinks, and occasionally entertains.