My birthday is this week. Every year I panic about all the things I didn’t do and try to get them done before my birthday. I start with the simple things like returning clothes that didn’t fit me. I put this off a lot. I like to wait until I have a few things to return, then it’s like getting a big pay check. My bartending paychecks are embarrassingly small.
Last year I was in an improv class and there was a boxer in the class. Yes, a real live boxer, way too sexy to be in an improv class. At least with me. The class was an educational and monetary loss for me. I couldn’t relax with him in the room. Then on the second to last night of class, my paycheck fell out of my notebook and landed at his feet. “Whats this?” he said as he picked it up. ” Oh give it. That’s my paycheck” I said panicking that I almost lost thirty four dollars and seventy eight cents.
“ $34.78? That’s your paycheck? ” he laughed. He looked REALLY good when he laughed. I, on the other hand, looked like I had just completed a 50 yard dash. Red, sweating, labored breathing with a “ I really need 35 dollars” look on my face. He gave me the check back and then proceeded to repetitively ask me if I needed money for a metro card. He offered me 12 cents to make it an even 35 bucks. Things like that. He knew I wouldn’t fight back. Meanie!
I did return two items this week. I never try anything on before I buy which is a problem. Sometimes I buy things that are clearly marked a size or two too small, just hoping they will fit. Who cares right? The cashier, that’s who. You have no idea how many times they stick their nose in my business. I hand them a fun beaded top, size 6…
Daffy’s Employee: “ This is so cute! Who is this for?’
Daffy’s Employee: “ You know it’s a size six, right?”
Me: “You know you’re a cash register operator, right?”
My clothes delusion is far more pleasing than her job reality will ever be.
My mother keeps bugging me “ Soooo what do you want for your birthday? Will you send me a list?”
I finally sat down and made a list.
It was more like a wedding registry than a birthday list.
Item number one: Gift Altar. That's a necessity.
Honestly, if I could only get one gift, I would ask for a reasonable exit strategy from the business of stand up comedy. I feel like I woke up in the middle of a three year relationship gone sour and I don’t know how to disentangle myself. I wanna fake my own death to get out. Reinvent myself as a brunette.
People would be like : “ That woman who moved in down the hall, she seems skittish and uncomfortable with her hair. You think she is in witness protection or something?"
"No way. Not with a gift altar like that"
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.