I went home for Easter weekend. When I go home there are three things you can pretty much guarantee are gonna happen;
-go out to eat
-go for a walk
If the walk happens we add an extra –go out to eat.
This weekend there were three go out to eats and one go shopping. No walk but one go to Mass. Yes, I went to mass and I did not spontaneously combust although I do hope to go out that way when it is my time to go.
Friday night, I got off the Amtrak train and walked straight to the restaurant. Society on High Street in Boston. Check it out. Shameless plug for my friend Genna who knew me when I went out drinking dressed like a Lil Kim wanna be- all outfits $20 or less- now I’m just bragging.
I met my mother, my sister and her boyfriend. Yes, people in my family get boyfriends. You’d think somebody had a baby;
“Did you see Kristen? Was she with the boyfriend?”
“You should see the head of hair on the boyfriend”
“I went over but the boyfriend was sleeping”
There were four of us, we had two pizzas and six appetizers. We had two table tops of food. No shit. At one point I was holding the plate I was eating off of because there was no room on the table. The table was covered with plates of food we had ordered. It was awesome. It was so awesome, when they cleared the table, we did it again. We didn’t even have to ask the waitress “how many plates of food can this table hold?” we had learned from experience. One pizza and three apps. We sat there like it was a Grecian God Dinner Reenactment. Eating with our hands, telling stories out of school, with the revelry of an army just coming back from war but only two of us had even worked that day. Or at least claimed to work.
Sometimes I forgot how much I like to eat like it’s the 1800s.
Saturday we went shopping first thing. When we got in the car my mother gave my sister and I each a peeled orange and a snack size bag of Planter’s peanuts. "Do we have to hike a mountain to get to this Frugal Fannies you speak of?" we joked. No, this was her nonverbal way of saying “We aren’t stopping for breakfast” I spent $143 dollars before I had a substantial meal. We left Frugal Fannies and headed to the NEW Nordstrom Rack. I asked to stop for some food. “You can get food when we get there”
When we got there, my mother parked the car in a massive parking lot. I’m gonna guess it could hold 5000 cars. She pointed to a building behind the car “Panera is over there.” She turned and pointed to another building “Nordstrom’s is over there”
I live in Brooklyn. I walk through puddles of urine and used condoms every day, but it doesn’t scare me. Standing in a massive 5000 car parking lot in Westwood MA, I was scared I wasn’t going to find my family again. I watched them walk and studied their outfits. I looked at the car then I looked at my ultimate destination. When I felt like I had a good idea where I had to go, I headed to Panera. I figured it’d be easier once I got a nutritious bread based meal.
Not only did I find them at Nordstrom Rack, I found a sweater and a hoodie and a pair of feminine diamond hoop earrings.
My mother has a new driving technique. She likes to take back roads and unnecessary twists and turns. It’s like she’s trying to confuse a kidnap victim. She takes two rights and a left instead of one right and a left. You think you can get to your destination in three simple steps? You probably can, but she can do it in 17. You probably can’t.
My mother would say something like “I have to go to the cleaners” then start driving all over Timbuktu. My sister and I are like “Where are you going? It’s back there on the right”
My mother barks back “You could take a right and go straight for 7 blocks then take another right but what I like to do is take this right then go around the rotary 3 times, take a left and back it up down the one way street. You miss the lights. Saves time”
Typical Cunningham, always trying to beat the system.
Even if the system is in your favor.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
The Scottish Folk say I’m a hot Groucho Marx http://www.chortle.co.uk/review/2015/03/29/22125/america_stands_up