Hear Ye Hear Ye, May I Approach Your Hotness?

It’s been a while since I’ve been attracted to a man. I noticed I didn’t really know what to do with myself without an active crush. I like liking guys. It keeps my imagination firing on all cylinders.  I have to make up so much hour by hour to counteract how little is really happening with us.

Last night I saw a guy on the F train that I considered hot. The hottest guy I’ve laid eyes on in a year. But what do you do? I mean I was riding the subway, I didn’t have a drink in my hand, and my lipstick hadn’t been freshly applied in hours. Freshly applied lipstick is not only a confidence booster but it’s also a low level mating call. If I had heard stories of girls approaching guys on subways introducing themselves, maybe I would have done it but it was unprecedented. Plus he was with a guy friend who also had unusually high sex appeal. I felt like I would have had to have asked to approach them "hear ye hear ye, may I approach your hotness?" AND they were kind of a walk away. I would have had to get up from my seat and walk towards them, all the while watching their reaction to my approach giving me an indication as to how this was going to play out  before I even started talking to them. It was too big of a gamble. Even I would have bet against me.

I talked to my friend about it today. I went on and on about how unfair it is that I can’t simply approach an attractive man based on looks alone and introduce myself.  Why couldn’t I have been born in the cave man days? When a woman could see a man and howl like a wild animal while tearing the leaves off her privates.

She suggested I write a craigslist Missed Encounters which is friend speak for “I’m sick of listening to you talk about the same shit over and over.”  I knew what she was saying. So I said “You know what, friend, I think I will. I think I will write a Missed Encounters. I better get off the phone so I can go do that before another girl does.”

This is what I wrote.

Missed Encounter F train to Brooklyn

6 foot something 240 pound messy haired brunette man on F train around 10:45 last night.

You were laughing with a friend who was also pretty hot but I didn’t like his pants.

You might be foreign. I hope you are!

You were too far away for me to eavesdrop and I always end up making weird faces when I lip read.

I got off at Bergen Street.

You never looked at me. Not once!

Why not? I looked at you.

You are hot but not hot enough to treat me this way.

This is a new one for me. A guy who acts aloof before we do it.

Interesting tactic, mon frere.

I’m not trying to pick a fight, just setting some boundaries here.

I’ll be at the Bergen Street stop tonight at 10 pm.

I’ll wait for one hour but the more I wait the less excited I’ll be to see you.

OK, see ya then.

And, this probably goes without saying but, be as hot as I remember you being.

I have blonde hair.



Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


twitter @theotherkendra

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