How to Enjoy The Crap Outta Valentine’s Day

I look forward to Valentine’s Day with a child-like, Christmas morning, “what am I gonna get?” anticipation. When I wake up on the morning (the afternoon) of February 14th, I’m in the game. I milk it for all the gratuitous attention I can seize in a 24-hour period. Yes, I’m single. But why would I not want to participate in a holiday built around sending love (to me), adoration (to me), and gifts/chocolate(to me)? I’m in. I’m all in. Are you?

The following is a surefire way to get the most out of Valentine’s Day no matter your romantic status:

1. Wake up as late as possible.
The less people see you, the better. Let everyone wonder if you’re still going at it from the night before. When you do emerge, make it subtle. Giggle a lot and say things like,
“Sorry I’m late. I’m so sore. Is my face red? I think I have whisker burn.” Always end it with an emphatic “ Don’t ask!”

2. Dress for the part.
Dress as if you’re trying to seduce that special someone Nobody needs to know your “special someone” is really “ just anyone”.

3. Have chocolate near your person/on our body.
You don’t need expensive chocolate. Suck on a Twix. It’ll leave chocolate deposits on the side of your mouth and you can smear the caramel on your shirt. Trust me. Bonus: if you suck on Twix in public, extra attention! (and you might get a last minute Valentine’s Date)

4. Carry around a vase of flowers.
Make sure to huff and puff and make a big deal out of it. And don’t pay for flowers. Go to the Halloween store and get blood pellets. Approach a FTD delivery truck, bite the pellet, and as the fake blood drips out the corner of your chocolate stained mouth scream, “I forgot to get my boyfriend flowers. Can I trouble you for a dozen roses? Please? Oh god here he comes” grab the flowers and run for your life. The fake blood ends up looking like wine stains after about ten minutes. Keep that effect.

5. Always be on your phone.
You are “texting” and “receiving” texts all day. Laugh a lot, and ask people things like,
“how do you say, ‘I can’t wait’ in Italian?” Toss your hair and then look up with a smile like your thinking of something witty then go back to the phone and “text back” your sensuous reply.

6. Stop into your local bar for a quick drink.
By now you should be carrying your free flowers, covered in chocolate and caramel, with faded red “wine” stains on your face. Let men buy you drinks, but keep saying, “I gotta go. I’m so late”. Don’t stay past 8:30. You’ll blow your cover.

7. Social Media Presence Go home, but don’t go to bed. Get online and find a restaurant you’ve always wanted to patronize. At midnight, post restaurant’s website to your Facebook page with a clever comment like, “missing those caramelized onions already!!” Add lots of hearts and smile emojis).

8. Call in sick to work the next day.
Wait until noon, and then change your relationship status on all your social networking sites. Wait for comments. Be patient.

9. Let co-workers know you got laid.
Carelessly drop an unopened pregnancy test kit from your purse in kitchen/high traffic area at work. Look around anxiously while you slowly retrieve it. Leave the Plan B website up on your computer by accident. Don’t wear eye makeup. You’re still so exhausted from your Valentine’s Sex Fest.

10. No comments.
People are going to start asking question now about your Valentine’s Day, your new relationship, what kind of chocolate you got (make sure a little’s still on your mouth all week). Just smile sheepishly, and then say “no comment, there’s way too much to tell.” After all, you don’t want to lie.

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. S
twitter @theotherkendra
instagram @theotherkendra

please check out my podcast How’s Your Mother? How’s Your Mother?

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