I definitely have a selective memory. It’s not on purpose. It’s just a defense mechanism I think. Or maybe I just don’t think about the past much. The other day I was on a podcast and we were talking about ex boyfriends. In the course of conversation it came out that my last real ex boyfriend was in a Meatloaf cover band. The podcast hosts thought I should have led with that. They felt that was an important trait of this ex boyfriend. To be clear, he wasn’t playing the Meatloaf part in the cover band. He was on the guitar so he was to the side of the singer, who I call Meatloaf. But still, it is interesting I did not think that was the most interesting aspect; I was simply sticking to the facts. I had had a boyfriend. Period.
Somehow I have come to live by the motto “say as little as possible, let them do the talking” Like a social situation is also an opportunity for people to gather ammunition against me. I never mentioned that belief system in therapy. I was always too busy trying to get the therapist to confide in me.
About a week later I was getting a one on one yoga lesson from my friend who is in yoga teacher training. In the course of conversation it came out, in the past, I had gone to school to be fitness instructor/personal trainer. My friend could not believe she did not know this about me. The truth is, when I think about it, I feel like it happened to another person. I was a fitness instructor once. And I mean that literally. I only ended up teaching one fitness class at Gold’s Gym in Brooklyn. I bombed. The class members were diverse and impatient. They didn’t care I was new. They heckled me. They didn’t like the music. They didn’t like my transitions. They sat on the ground and talked shit about me. They walked out and complained. They brought the gym manager in to see how bad I was compared to the “regular” teacher. I was intimidated. I remember walking home thinking the last thing I want to do with my time is practice being an aerobics instructor to the point where people would consider me good at it. I just didn’t care.
Looking back, it was an embarrassing experience but not unforgettable. I’m sure if I walked into Gold’s Gym today and explained who I was, they would not remember me. I don’t regret it. If I had not done it I would probably still be thinking that being a fitness instructor would be a good fit for me.
My mother still talks about being a clown. A few years back she announced she always wanted to be a clown and was looking into clown school.
My sister and me were shocked. We felt she should have led with that.
Withholding information runs in the family.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.