I'm Not Your Aunt

The only time I am around kids is when I visit friends who have kids. There really isn’t any other situation that I am exposed to children. It is impossible to see childhood friends with kids and not think about having my own. I don’t know if I would make a good mother. I can’t talk to kids. It drives me nuts that they ask questions that they can’t possibly understand the answer to.
They think every adult has kids.
Kid:"where are your kids?”
Me: “I don’t have any”
Kid: "WHY?”
Me, answering honestly: “I’ve gotten away with so much; I think it would give God a perfect opportunity to punish me for the rest of my life”
Kid with a blank look: “you want to build a fort?”
Me: "only if my input is valued, last time we didn’t use any of my ideas and that’s not fair”
Kid decides to look for new, easy going, fun people to play.

The new one is
Kid: “how come you don’t have a husband?”
Me: “because I believe everybody deserves to be happy”
Kid struggling to keep practicing his language skills: “Auntie Kendra…”
Me, interrupting: “I’m not your aunt; I’m your mother’s friend.
Kid runs away

The best one so far:
Kid: “where do you work?”
Me: "in New York”
Kid: “what’s a boob job?”
Me: “um I don’t know”
Kid” “my dad said he thought you had a boob job but my mom said no”
Me: “no I don’t have a boob job”
Kid: “what kind of job do you have?”
Me: “a shitty one”
Kid: “that’s a bad word”
Me: “oh please give me a break”
Kid becomes very interested in something across the room and waddles away.

I always end up in the kids free area of the backyard near the grill and cooler, patting the dog.
Wondering why my friend’s husband said I had a boob job.
Rationalizing it in my favor “I guess my boobs look unusually good in this tight, low cut, not really made for a family party, shirt!”
Good to know.

Thanks for listening!


Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

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