Include the Nude

This past weekend I was in Salem Mass, home of the famous Salem Witch Trials. In case you are not familiar, the Salem Witch Trials ran from February 1692 to May 1693, people suspected of witchcraft were executed, most by public hanging. A lot of tourists go to Salem for that reason, it was the secondary reason we were there. The primary reason being the Peabody Museum which had a Georgia O’Keefe exhibit going on. After schooling ourselves on Georgia’s life experiences and artistic explorations, we walked over to the Witch Museum only to find out you can only go on guided tours of the museum and the next guided tour was thirty long minutes away. “I don’t want to wait” I said. “Yeah, no way” my mother said. “I don’t like the whole guide thing” my boyfriend said. I saw people coming out and asked “Was it worth it?”
“It was informative” one guy said.
“Yeah, no. Informative doesn’t ring my bell” I don’t want information about the Witch Trials, I have that. I want to be horrified. I want to be scared to the point of heightened personal awareness. I want to start suspecting I am exhibiting certain personality traits of a witch. I want to be changed forever by the Salem Witch Museum.
We headed back to a spooky store we had walked by. The guy working was eager to sell some spells. “Let me show you the spell casting altar”
“Please do” I responded.
I hadn’t realized how much I wanted somebody to cast a spell for me until he mentioned it. He walked me to a back room where one could pick a velvet satchel, put some crystal- like rocks and some sort of smelly dirt looking stuff, throw it in the velvet satchel, then the wiccan would cast a spell for you.
“I can cast love spells, health spells, money spells”
I wanted them all.
“How much for a spell?” I was loving all the conversation around the process.
“TWENTY FIVE dollars”
The spell casting experience came to a screeching halt. Do I believe in spells? Sure. Do I beleive a spell is worth $25? No. I wanted to say “How about five spells for $25?”
The truth was, he could have said five spells for $25 and only done one spell and I would have been none the wiser.
I just had to google “none the wiser” to see if I was using it correctly. It’s one of those expressions I have heard a million times but never actually used.
Long story short, I decided I could do my own spell at home. I looked into and a basic spell seems to require a few simple steps:
-a bath
-put on a robe or remain nude
-arrange pillows in a circle sit in the circle

Honestly, I don’t remember what comes next because I was still focussed on the “or remain nude” If the Salem wiccan had said “ $25, that includes me taking a bath and sitting inside a pillow circle naked while I cast the spell” Include the nude! It’s a selling point. I would have had to have taken a walk around the block to think about it. I still would have passed although it seems more legit with the ceremony part included.

Do I regret not purchasing a spell casting? I do. I still stick by my opinion that $25 is too much for the service but I’m lamenting the spell- less position the pricing issue left me in. I’m also slightly concerned he may have chosen to cast a spell on me for questioning and ultimately, rejecting, his pricing technique. I haven’t been attacked by birds or woken up with warts all over my face so I guess I’m safe.

The whole experience has sparked a new interest in becoming a spell caster. My online investigation led me to An Idiot’s Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft on eBay for $4.45 with “loads of new spells”

Website to follow!

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Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed.
twitter @theotherkendra

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