Last night I came home and started in on some leftovers. About three bites in I realized they were pretty old. I was technically eating garbage. Nothing like a couple of bites of cold garbage before bedtime.
The good thing about living with my sister is we can eat each others leftovers. Sunday she left me Spicy Pad Thai. As I was walking out the door, she said I could help myself to the Thai leftovers. I was stuffed from a cheeseburger deluxe and thought maybe I would eat it tomorrow. Two beers and two hours later I tore into it. All nine bites of it. I have gotten into a weird habit of trying to guess how many bites of food are on my plate before I start eating and then comparing it to how many bites I actually take. I naturally take big bites and I have been trying to turn three bite meals into ten bite meals. I never really thought I had a bite problem but more than one person has called me an asshole after they offer me a bite of their sandwich or pizza. I have been known to kill a cheeseburger in three bites. Maybe I have a natural propensity for competitive eating but I think that’s one potential I don’t need to explore. I doubt I would be envious of a competitive eater’s sex life.
Living with my sister, there are never any labeled leftovers. I remembered I lived with a girl who would put her name on all her leftovers. There would be a big plastic leftover container with a huge “JULIE” sign taped to it, with one bite of a burrito inside. Aw how cute Julie’s naming burrito bites after herself. One bite? You couldn’t muscle down one more bite before leaving the restaurant? Whenever she had leftovers I would at least move it around in the container just to raise suspicion. She would wonder if Kendra had obeyed her cryptic “ this is my food and don’t you touch it” name tag message. I hate people who get possessive about food. Of course I’m gonna take a bite. Taking a bite of someone else’s leftovers is like hooking up with another girl’s boyfriend. As long as you can put it back looking pretty much the same way you found it, it’s fine. I’m kidding. I’m all about the sisterhood. .I don’t fool around with other girl’s men.
Unless, of course, I think I can get away with it.
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.