Let the chips fall where they may


I’m going through a clean slate phase.

 I wish it was normal to just inform people about it. ”Hey nice to see you. By the way, I just started with a clean slate soooooooooo you know, expect me to be different. At least for a week or so until I see how this whole clean slate thing goes”. I could send the message in other ways.  I guess I could do something drastic like color my hair and start dressing like I’m from the 40’s but then people might not interpret that as “starting with a clean slate”  they might just think I’m goin’ nuts.

 I always wonder if I went nuts would there be one definitive action that I would remember as the moment when I crossed the line from normal or at least functioning, to something with a DSM diagnosis. Like “ well last Tuesday I shaved my head and then I went streaking at my place of employment and that’s when I started feeling like people were responding to me differently” or would I just be sitting around going about my business and someone who cares about me says “ Kendra, I think you should go see someone. Something’s not right.  You haven’t left the apartment in two months. You say your trying to choreograph a comeback video for Tawny Kitaen but  you don’t know if Tawny’s even interested and neither you nor Tawny are dancers soooooo somethings not right. Are you listening to me? No I don’t know anyone who has a vintage Jag. Put some clothes on, for christ’s sake”

I wish it wasn’t so expensive to move. I think that’s the best clean slate tactic. Just pick up and go. If I sold all my shit and took off I would spend a good month freaking out that I just sold all my shit and not be able to enjoy my new adventure because “  I should’ve asked for more money for that leopard coat. That pisses me off. I should’ve just kept it”  But there’s really no room for a  coat collection in a 5 dollar a night teepee.

I’ve always had thoughts of moving someplace where you really have to rough it. Not so much because I like to rough it but because I think it would be interesting to see how little money you can actually survive on.  I know I wouldn’t last. I went to Barcelona for three weeks a few summers ago and I left early because there was no air conditioning and everybody blew smoke in my face. Then I got caught in the line of fire of a bunch of cute  little Spanish kids throwing cherries at each other and ended up with cherry stains on my new lightweight  white skirt. Who the fuck throws cherries at each other? Believe me when I say I immediately stopped calling  the little Spanish kids cute and started calling them  *&%!! spics.  I like to think I’m pretty laid back and stay away from prejudice slang  but you really don’t really know yourself until your sweating for the 15th day in a row dodging juicy cherries in a foreign country where the only person who tried to make out with you had Oreo cookies in his teeth. Yeah I’ll go home a few days early please.

Is there a proper way to do that symbolic swear thing? I always see it something like  %@**&^ but it never looks right when I try.

The only thing that sucks about the whole clean slate thing is I don’t have any new ideas. Its not like oh I’m gonna stop liking this guy and start looking for guys like ___________ or I’m gonna stop killing myself bartending and doing stand up every friggin night of the week because I’m gonna ____________.

I just want to lounge around.

That’s the only thing I can think of.

 I’m gonna clean my slate and stay in my pajamas until 4 oclock in the afternoon and lay in bed with my computer writing stuff, dreading having to take a shower because I have to leave the house sometime after sundown.

That’s the big plan.

At least until I get to Rio, then it’s just  “Let the chips fall where they may”


Thanks for listening



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


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