Missing Quarters Report

I just spent five days in Boston for the Women in Comedy Festival. I split my time between my mother’s and my sister’s. I love spending big hunks of time with my family. It’s nice to be reminded of their quirks. My mother likes to read the paper out loud.
Mom: Listen to this. Police Blotter: Around midnight Tuesday, burglary on Maple Leaf. No signs of forced entry. Three dollars and seventy-five cents IN QUARTERS was taken.
Me: That’s a lot of quarters. I mean fifteen quarters. That’s all they took?
Mom: That’s what it says.
Me: Strange it wasn’t a mixture of coins.
Mom: Maybe they were doing laundry.
Me: I think they just misplaced the quarters. That’s my take.
Mom: Listen to this one…..
It sounds like nonsense conversation but I thought about that stolen quarter case more than once. It seemed like there was something more to the story. I just wanted to meet the plaintiff.
Can you imagine if I called the Brooklyn P.D. with a stolen change report? I feel like I would get yelled at.
I also got to cruise around with my sister who glides through yellow lights like she’s in a parade. No fear. Just cruising.
Me: Whoa whoa whoa
Sister: What?
Me: You just blew through that yellow light
Sister: It was yellow. You can go through yellow.
Me: Yeah, but you are supposed to slow down.
Sister: Are you kidding? What are you gonna turn me in?
I used to be a cool driver too. Not anymore. Now I drive with two hands on the wheel, white knuckled the whole time. Trying to finagle the trip so that I can be the only car on the road or at least have all the other cars two car’s lengths away from me. Not my sister, she passes people, weaves through lanes to make an exit, and guns it to make it through a yellow. I gotta tell ya, I was impressed and scared shit and a little bit inspired. In my hay day, I drove drunk on the highway with a flat tire, over the speed limit. So you see, I used to be a bad ass driver too.
What happened? I moved to New York and started taking public transportation. Now when I get drunk, I stand nose to nose with half a dozen strangers in a subway car and act like I don’t see them.
I have a different skill set.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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