Mocking the Meditator

I was up in Boston for a week and got to spend a lot of time with the family. My mother likes to read the newspaper to me. Over the years, I’ve come to enjoy it.

Mom: Look at this, they are gonna have taxi drones by 2020.
Me: I don’t want any part of it.
Mom: Seriously, taxi drones? C’mon! How is that gonna work? Drone landing pads? What if a drone lands on me? People are gonna get hurt, ya know.
Me: I’m not getting in a drone.
Mom: Me either.
Me: I’m moving to a no drone zone.
Mom: Me too.
Me: It’s like “sick of having panic attacks on the ground? We got something for ya”
Mom: Jesus, look at this. They caught a guy trying to…….

And on to the next article. It’s gotten to the point, when I read the news, I read it in my mother’s voice, flabbergasted and disgusted with a touch of disbelief. It makes it entertaining pus, who doesn’t like to play mind games on themselves?

I’ve been meditating, I think. I have been trying. It is a mind game to control your thoughts. I’ll be listening to a guided meditation taking me through a meadow with a bright sun up ahead and realize I have my eyes open picking at my nail polish slightly mocking the youtube meditation coach’s tone of voice. “You sound afraid of that big bright sun, Mambo” Then I come to and realize I should have my eyes closed, laying still. I prefer affirmations; another mind game but one that I am accustomed to.
Lately I have been doing affirmations for athletes:
I am strong
I am big
I play to win
I am naturally competitive
This type of crap works on me. I go to CVS like I’m stepping in the boxing ring.
The CVS greeter (yes we have one in my neighborhood, not a huge fan but I appreciate the gesture) Welcome to CVS can I help you find anything?
Me: I’m good (internally: I know exactly what I need and I am determined to get it)
CVS greeter: OK
Me: smile (internally:When I see something I want, I go for it without hesitation)
CVS greeter: well, let me know if I can help
Me: will do (internally: I am independent and strong. I do things on my own for myself and I enjoy it.)

Ten minutes later, I couldn’t find the Carmex and left, acknowledging the greeter’s “have a nice day!” with an external “thanks” and an internal “Put the Carmex out in the open! Why are you hiding the Carmex?”
Phony courtesy works just as well as genuine courtesy.

Check out my podcast How’s Your Mother? here

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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