My mother came to NYC last week to attend my album taping. The night before she came she called me and said “I have something to tell you.”
I said “Ok, what’s up?”
“I got a hair cut and I love it”
“That’s great. Can’t wait to see it.”
“It’s exactly what I wanted. Wash and Go. I wash it and I go. Not a lot of styling involved.”
“Awesome. Who doesn’t’ love Wash and Go? I want a Wash and Go.”
“Anyway, I love it so if you don’t like it, please don’t let on.”
I love that my mother gets a haircut and she thinks “Nobody better give me any lip about this.”
She took the Amtrak from Boston. We had a plan that I would greet her at Penn Station at 12:20pm. I got stuck in traffic in a taxi and told her to wait for me in front of TGI Fridays. Just so you know, the TGI Fridays is in the main room at Penn. There is a main room for all the Amtrak travelers with a big huge sign of all the Departures and Arrivals, the TGI Fridays is visible from this area. It is inside the terminal where all the trains arrive. I’m driving the point home; I picked a meeting place that was convenient and would not require my mother to walk far with her bags.
I get to TGI Fridays and no sign of my mother, which is weird because my mother stands out in a crowd. She has bright blonde hair and is very stylish. I wait a few minutes thinking she might have gone to the restroom. Then I call my mother.
Mom: HI! Where are you?
Me: I’m at TGI Fridays where are you?
Mom: I couldn’t find the Fridays so I’m at Walgreens.
Me: Inside Penn station?
Mom: I think so.
Me: Did you go outside?
Me: Ok. Stay where you are. I will come to you.
I walk around Penn Station. I walk some more. I do not see a Walgreens. I call her back.
Mom: Hi (not as excited as before)
Me: I can’t find Walgreens. What else is around?
Mom: Starbucks. You can’t find me? I mean, I walked here from the Amtrak.
Me: Do you know where the big sign is? With the Arrivals and Departures listed?
Me: Meet me there.
I’m starting to get silly. Penn station isn’t that big. I’ve never had an issue finding somebody before.
I go back to the main room where all the Arrivals and Departures are. I stand in front of TGI Fridays so I can see the whole room. I’m starting to get anxious. I don’t see her. I call her again.
Me: Are you at the sign?
Mom: Yeah. (aggravated) I’m at the sign.
Me: I don’t see you. Are you at the big sign?
Mom: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I’ve seen bigger.
Me: OK. (starting to laugh uncontrollably) This is really unusual. Do you see a Mom Lost and Found? Maybe you can turn yourself in.
Mom: Funny. But I’m getting hungry.
Me: Ok. Go outside and call me. I will find you.
Mom: Well, I hope so.
I leave Penn station. As I exit the building I see my mother coming up the staircase of another Exit.
We went to a nice lunch at Bar Tabac.
My mother tends to base her tip on how complimentary the wait staff is. We got a nice smiley foreign waiter. He didn’t compliment my mother verbally but he laughed at her jokes and had smiley eyes. He also seemed a bit nervous which can easily be interpreted as “He finds us attractive therefore he is rattled” I mean, in actuality he may be coming off a three day coke binge. Who knows, but we chose the more flattering hypothesis.
He got a good tip.
We got a contrived ego boost.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.