Muffin Middleman? Don't bother.

Every once in a while I have a muffin then I talk about it for two weeks and then, honestly, I might not think about a muffin for months. I had a chocolate chip muffin last week. A good one. I called it my New Year’s muffin. I forgot how good a muffin can be. I just don’t think about them that often then one day, there they are; for sale, obtainable, a conversation away. I’m not waking up every day battling an urge to buy muffins. Not like I am with Cheez Its. Sometimes I think I see a box of Cheez Its when I don’t. You know you have a preoccupation with Cheez Its when you hallucinate them into your line of vision.

I don’t but Cheez Its as impulsively as I used to. I hate to admit it but the judgement that goes with it has caused me to hinder my consumption. It used to be fun to eat Cheez Its. People would say “Oh man, gimme some!” Now a days I feel like I’ve been exposed when people see me holding a box of Cheez Its. They’ll screech “Kendra, Cheez Its? No! Get them away from me.” People actually say that! Get them away from me? What a terrible change of public opinion. If I was a marketing guru, I’d take Cheez Its on pro bono.

People don’t react that way to a muffin. They act like you got a puppy. “OOOOHHH! You got a muffin? What kind is it? I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee blueberry muffins. You know they have blueberry poppy muffins now! Oh god, now I want a muffin!”
Then they think of you the next time they have a muffin. They’ll see you and say “Hey, I had a muffin the other day, I thought of you. It was huge. The muffin top was the size of a muffin in itself. You gotta check it out. It’s in Brooklyn ……………..”
People relate to muffin people. Eating a muffin in public is like yelling “Where my muffin people at?” only you don’t have to say a word, they just appear.

The thing with muffins is you never know what you are getting, Every muffin is different. Not like Cheez Its. Cheez Its are consistent.
Muffins are a crap shoot. The other day I wanted a chocolate chip muffin. I didn’t go out looking for a chocolate chip muffin but when I saw one for sale, I realized I wanted one. The thing is, I’m a woman; I’m over 30; I’ve had a lot of muffins in my day. I know what a good muffin tastes like and sadly, what a bad one tastes like. So when I order a muffin, I got a few questions I want answered first. How fresh are the muffins? Were they baked today or yesterday? Or did they buy the muffins off of somebody else who actually baked them? If I’m talking to a muffin middle man, forget it. I don’t want the muffin. Who wants a muffin that’s changed hands never mind travelled in a van. This muffin could be coming off a road trip. No thanks. Never buy a muffin from a middle man, unless you don’t give a shit about quality. Maybe you just want a muffin and you don’t care about its background. I get like that about Fettucine Alfredo. I’ll buy the Knorr Alfredo Sauce packet and make it with a big fat smile on my face. Bacon bits peppered in. I know I could have better, but I don’t care. Maybe you feel that way about muffins. I don’t.

I also ask “How may chocolate chips can I expect to get in my muffin?” (you can also ask this question by replacing chocolate chips with blueberries if that is the type of muffin in question) Ball park. I usually phrase it like “Can I expect more than 10 chocolate chips in my muffin?”
If they can’t answer that quickly and confidently – I’m out.

Nothing worse than a muffin with none of its name in it. A chocolate chip muffin with 2 chocolate chips? A blueberry muffin with 4 blueberries? That’s the stuff that gets me acting like a crazy lady in public. Half the time, the muffin salesperson is young and doesn’t understand that this is the type of shit that matters. Don’t even get me going on jelly donuts with no jelly in them. I will ask to speak to the donut maker. Point blank. It never happens. They never let you talk to the donut maker. Give me a break. Like the donut maker can’t take a little constructive criticism? He’s probably an ex con. He can take it.

Anyway, I had a chocolate chip muffin on a whim and it was scrumptious. The muffin salesperson answered all my questions promptly and confidently and, with a great attitude, I might add. I even told her I liked her attitude.

I’m turning into the older lady who doesn’t have any kids of her own, just randomly telling teenagers “you know, you have a good attitude. That’s gonna help you in life. By the way, do you guys do the punch cards here? Buy so many you get one for free type of thing?”

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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