My Perfect Day Reads Like a Kim Kardashian Journal Entry

I’m on the verge of faking my own pregnancy to take an undeserved maternity leave. Three months of getting paid for not working? Exactly what I need. I googled “Do you have to prove you’re pregnant to take maternity leave?’ I took it that far. Guess what? There were no headlines “Woman fakes pregnancy for maternity leave- gets life in jail” You want to know why? It’s not because nobody has ever tried. I am not the first to have this bright idea. Somebody has gotten away with it somewhere! If it’s you, I want to hear your story. I know I would never follow through; I’m shooting my mouth off. That’s what people do when they are tired.
Nowadays people are like “Oh, you’ve never been married? You have no kids? But you don’t own your own company? You’re not a CFO or anything? Ok I guess you just don’t want to take advantage of the opportunities that you have.”
I don’t want to be a CFO.
I’m pissed it’s on the table.
Being CFO sounds like a lot of work. Boring work. I am trying to work as little as possible doing something as fun as possible. Can I be a feminist who just wants to enjoy life? Can’t I be a feminist who prefers the lap of luxury? Like any unmarried woman, I have a library of self-help books. Pretty much every one of them, at some point, has the same exercise “Write about your perfect day”
What would a perfect day look like? Write it.
My number one is always:
Sleep in.
Which is usually followed by a two paragraph rant that ends with “Whey the fuck can’t I just get up when I get up? That’s all.”
Coffee in bed (made by and brought to me by my faithful man)
Get my hair blown out and make up done
My perfect day reads like the journal entry of Kim Kardashian.
The only problem is I’m not independently wealthy and I don’t have a rich husband. I’ve never even lived with a man. I am fascinated by cohabitating; the monitoring of a man’s behavior 24/7. It sounds like it could be interesting. Almost like living in the wild to learn more about gorillas. It also sounds like a lot of behavior explaining because, let’s be honest here, sometimes I’m in my pajamas at 10:30 pm on a Tuesday and I suddenly decide I want a Manhattan. So I get up, get dressed and go to a bar and drink a Manhattan. I suspect if I lived with a man and I got out of bed and got dressed at 10:30 pm on a Tuesday to go to a bar for a Manhattan, I may have to answer the very obvious question
“Where are you going?”
“To get a drink”
“I thought we were in bed for the night?”
“For Christ’s sake, can’t a lady go out for a Manhattan without getting a lot of lip around here?”
All my life I’ve worked to be an independent powerful woman. I thought it made me different but who cares? I’m not any better off than women I know who had HELP. Plus, today everybody is claiming to be a powerful woman- a feminist- a bad ass. Being a bad ass bitch is very common now. You know what isn’t? Women who sleep at least 8 hours a day, every day. So I just googled that and Time Magazine says women in the Netherlands sleep an average of 8.4 hours a day. No wonder the Netherlands is in the Top 10 Happiest Country in the world.
Point is, nowadays I don’t care so much about being independent as I do about being well rested.
Does this baby bump look on the up and up?
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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