One Mile Radius


 No adults

My mother, my sister and I spent the day after Thanksgiving in the Prospect Park Zoo. We went vintage shopping then we went to the zoo. That was our itinerary. Most girls go shopping and then go for a  drink or get a bite to eat, we hit the closest city zoo.


I had never been to the Zoo in Prospect Park and I will admit, I kinda poo poo’d the idea. I was picturing mangy old animals that weren’t all that interesting throwing McDonalds cups and other litterbug trash at each other while clinically depressed zoo keepers sat around staring at brochures of better zoos, dreaming their lives away. Much to my surprise, the Prospect Park Zoo has over 400 animals of 80 different species. It’s a fucking ZOO. There is a Zoo one mile from my home where I have lived for over 5 years. For five years I have lived less than a mile away from hundreds of wild animals in captivity and never heard a peep. Not one noise to make me think “What the hell? Was that a wild animal?” Nothing. That scares the shit out of me.


We took pictures. We fed farm animals. We saw red Koala Bears, Baboons, Lamas, Porcupines, Bats, Seals and Golden Tamarins. And lots of small humans. Parents had strange reactions when we, three adults with no toddlers in tow,  approached their children to ooo and ahh over them. I could see their baby snatcher profiling minds at work. I was tempted to start saying things like “Oh she looks just like the one from the Zoo in Little Rock, remember her Mom? The one with the soft skin and silky hair”  or even better “ Your husband told me you couldn’t have kids. Where is he? That lying sack of shit. Get your fuckin kid out of my way or BigDick Junior will be taking his first swim in the shark tank. Move it fatty”   


We didn’t make any friends at the Zoo but we did learn that Porcupines spend most of their time in trees, staying out of the way of predators. We also learned very few animals will attack a Porcupine. So Porcupines spend most of their time hiding in trees to avoid their VERY few attackers?  Paranoid life avoiders.  

 I think I’m gonna start using that line when my mother calls

“ Soooooooooooo what are you up to  today?”

“Staying out of the way of predators, Mom”

“That’s good, honey, did you eat? ”


We also learned when a female Baboon has a red swollen rump, she is ready to mate.

It looked like all the females had red swollen rumps. My kinda girls.

Male baboons often groom females before mating with them. It must suck to be so horny that a whole body part becomes inflamed, then your knight in shining armor arrives and he’s like

“Before we get started, how about a makeover? Mani/pedi, a blow out …..”


“Did you see my ASS?  It’s SWOLLEN? Can we go to the salon AFTER?”


She offers him her big red ass and he thinks he can do better.

Applicable for any species.


 Baboon bums



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.           

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