There is one couple in my building that loves to entertain. I use that term loosely because I don’t know what actually happens when people come over to their apartment but my guess is they are big sports fans. Call me old fashioned but you’d think they might give a heads up to their neighbors that they are having a party. Perhaps even extend an invite. I remember In Boston having parties and leaving notes on neighbors doors “Hi, I’m having a party Friday night, please feel free to stop by!” Not here. Now am I guilty of the same unneighborly behavior? Some may say I am. But in my defense, I’ve never had 20 people in my apartment. Never. Maybe twelve. Does that constitute a party? I think it’s more like a get together. I don’t think you need to invite neighbors to a get together. A get together infers the existence of a prior relationship. I love when I make up my own legal jargon. Point being, if you are gonna have 20 people over, that is more people than actually live in the apartment. We should be able to meet them. What if they overthrow the building?
I am probably a good fifteen years older than the party throwers. You know you are getting old when you think mere facts about yourself warrant respect. I’ve lived in this building longer than them, they should respect me. I am older than them, that warrants a certain level of respect. When I was in my 20’s I didn’t talk about respect. I didn’t say things like that and if somebody said it to me I’d be like “Respect? What are you in the mafia or something?” Once you start talking about wanting to be respected, it’s like you’re trying to get your footing on your social standing with strangers. I will tell you how to see me. It is not open to interpretation.Especially your substandard interpretation.
I am totally going to be one of those old ladies who expects everybody to bow down to me because I am a senior citizen. “Excuse me, I’d like to sit in the seat you are in, sonny. Thank you, do you mind putting this portable foot massage on the floor by my feet? You are kind. When I was your age, boy, was I willllld… for my day. One on one sexual experiences and strictly man/woman scenarios but I had a reputation!”
“Do you realize I have eaten pizza over 5000 times? If I say this slice tastes like shit, you should respect that”
The worst is the party people are upstairs from me so I have to listen to people going to a party while I am watching a woman scorned seek revenge on Lifetime. I can hear people stop outside my door trying to figure out if it’s the party apartment, ear to the door overhearing the monologue on TV "You said you were divorced. You said you wanted to fall in love again. You said you’d buy me a house!!!" Sometimes I want to pull a chair in the hallway and sit there in a housecoat with a newspaper and cup of tea, smiling with lipstick on my teeth, "the party is one floor up, knock on the floor three times if there is any bundt cake"
Point being, if you are throwing a party in your apartment building, let your neighbors know ahead of time so we can go out or be prepared to somehow sabotage it. I kid. I will say, inviting your neighbors to come decreases the odds of them complaining about the noise.
But increases the odds of your neighbors being at your party.
Roll the dice!
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
check out my podcast How’s Your Mother?