have a friend who is online dating. No, it’s not me claiming it’s a friend, it
is really a friend. I am the anti dater. I don’t like
dating. The last thing I want to do with my free time is go meet a stranger
with the mutual hope that we like each other on many levels. It’s the pressure
cooker of one on one socializing.
Online dating sites should come with
testimonials about the ramifications online dating can have on one’s self
esteem. “Hey for $19.99 a month you can receive an abundance of emails from guys.
These guys will not be relationship material today or any day in the future nor
have they maintained any sort of personal relationship for more than 6 months
but they WILL email you. They may or may not send you pictures of them in their
underwear, some like to try their hand at poetry, others will simply try to woo
the pants off you with statements like “Where you at?” So no, this site won’t make finding that
special someone easier but it will make it easier for the mean, median and mode
of all averages to find you”
I don’t know about you but my self
esteem is fragile when it comes to the opposite sex. Three emails from ugly,
unfunny guys and I am back to eating pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner in
my 7 year old grease stained sweats wondering if Benicio del Toro is funny.
Anyway, this friend is going out on
dates 3 to 5 times a week. Are you kidding me? That’s a bartending job. She claims it’s easy because you end up talking
about the same things over and over again. The scenario just got worse. She
said “what would you talk about on dates?” which stumped me. I guess I would
probably talk about what time he had to get home and if he hates dating as much
as me and does he like my new jeans. Those types of things. I really don’t even
want to think about it. I used to be good at qualifying questions “how long is
your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?”
now I’m down to “do you snore?” “do you need a mechanical device on your face
to sleep at night?” “are you ok with being kept arms length away emotionally
for 6 months to two years?”
So I don’t know exactly what I would
talk about on dates but I do know what I wouldn’t say.
Top ten things Kendra won’t say
on a date
was really nice meeting your girlfriend the other night.
that guy in the green shirt, I used to fool around with him. Or was it his brother?
so excited, I got here an hour early
I got mac and cheese on my leather halter top.
dessert, thanks. I’m full.
time we come here, I’m getting a salad
me get the check.
want a bite of this?
pawing at me!
10 Let’s wait until we get home to do it!
Send me pictures from the dating
I haven’t been in a while.
is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super
bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her
daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.