Portable Velvet Throne

I don’t know when creative job quitting became a thing in my family but it feels like it’s a family tradition. Anytime anybody wants to quit a job there are lots of discussions “What are you going to tell them? Maybe you could say you have an aunt that is sick and needs help? No, no, no don’t say that then what if your aunt really gets sick? You’ll feel responsible. HMM, you could say you are going to do Habitat for Humanity in another country. Nah, then they might see you on the street somewhere. Crap. I can’t think of any way that you can get out of this job”

It’s never just “I’m giving my two weeks notice” No way. There has to be a story, a fabricated story that justifies us forfeiting employment. I don’t know if we think we are hurting people’s feelings or if we just don’t want people to know what we are up to. I think it’s a combination of both.

My sister and I have actually quit for each other. Years ago, my sister dreaded this waitressing job she had. One night she simply could not do it. She didn’t have it in her. So, I called her manager and said she had been in an accident and we’d “be in touch” I don’t recall the manager asking a lot of questions. She had probably gotten that “accident” story a handful of times. It wasn’t a very experimental plot.
Truth is I’m a terrible liar so all my lies have to be short with limited details. I could never be a criminal. Heaven forbid the cops interrogate me.

Cop: “Where were you on Thursday at 9:30 pm when the jewelry store was robbed?”
Me: “I was watching a movie with (suddenly turning beet red and breaking a sweat) a friend, I mean, a boy toy (I was supposed to be flirtatious with the detective, that was my plan, I start gasping for air)
Cop: “Boy toy? Do you know this Boy Toy’s name?”
Me: “Can I look at my notes?”

The last office job I had, I was friendly with the HR lady. She was funny. One day I went down to say Hi and I guess I had a weird look on my face because she said
“Oh no, are you quitting?”
I started laughing “You’ll know I’m quitting when four shirtless men carry me in here on a portable velvet throne. They’ll be with me everyday of my last two weeks, feeding me grapes and whiskey, telling me things like “You’re too sexy for office work””
We laughed. I didn’t follow through on my vision when I quit that job.
Next time.
With no forewarning.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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