Every time I leave the house I buy something consumable. It usually starts immediately with food or a beverage. Or both. There are always snacks involved. For later. I spend way too much time foreseeing bouts with hunger that never come to fruition. Two months ago my stomach growled. It took me a minute to realize what was going on. I couldn’t remember the last time it did that. I thought I had a verbal tapeworm.
I’m a big fan of snacks. I don’t like to eat the whole snack at once in the event I want more later so I end up with a lot of half eaten snacks in my purse. Monday I opened by purse at 5:25 P.M. to find three forms of snacks: half of a honey glazed donut, Cheez Its, and a Starbucks bag with a little more than a morsel of a salted caramel square. And a 64 oz bottle of water. I could survive for days on the contents of my purse alone. So if you see me carrying a purse know that I’m gonna be ok whether there is a natural disaster, or I somehow end up on the top of a mountain where someone needs to rescue me or if I just walk too long, I have provisions.
Although I am a compulsive snack buyer I don’t go food shopping much. Whether I’m talking about losing weight or saving money or cooking more often, at least once a week I come to the conclusion “ I should go food shopping”. My doctor even told me “ Stop eating out as much. Go food shopping. You’ll eat less and have better portion control”. The thing is, getting something to eat is the number one reason I leave the house. If I stopped eating out I’d be skinny but nobody would see me so what’s the point.
It would probably have the reverse effect on me because when I go food shopping, I binge.I come home and I’m like “All this shit is paid for?” I act like I’m at an all inclusive resort, coupling fruit with pasta and a tomato and cheese omelet. Some yogurt with granola. A couple of cookies. I’m eating snacks paired with snacks and desserts paired with entrees. I don’t eat less. I eat it all.
I go to my married friends houses and their cupboards are full. I ask “ what is all this food for? “. They buy food for the future. When I buy food I pretty much start eating it in the moments after purchase. Sometimes I say “I’m gonna save some for Thursday” but most likely I’ll chow it down in the next twenty minutes. There is no shelf life for the food I buy. “ I’m like sorry half pound of pepper turkey – say bye bye! I know you thought you had a few days left before you were completely devoured but no. I’m bored and you’re here sooooooo…..but don’t worry there are hot dogs and Cheez Its and lots of alcohol where you’re going – you’ll have fun. Have you met Bread and Butter pickles? They are very sweet. You’ll be travelling together”
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.