Raiders of the Lost Ark: The OfficeMax Pilgrimmage

Portable toilet paper 
 I spent most of last week in Boston with a horrible cold driving relying on my mother or my sister to drive me around.  I had a runny nose and cough. Being a hypochondriac, it doesn’t matter how many obvious medical symptoms I exhibit, I am still denied any empathy for sickness from my family. I cough and my sister rolls her eyes. I blow my nose and my mother turns the radio up. I ask for medicine, they send me on wild goose chase to get it.

One day when we were all in the car  I asked “ Can we stop so I can get a box of tissues?”

A few minutes later my mother pulled up to a warehouse sized OfficeMax and stated very matter of factly  ‘ They sell tissues here”

“ Your bringing me to OfficeMax to get a box of tissues?”

“ Yeah. What? Hurry up. I’m hungry

“Mom c’mon CVS is right down the street. It’s gonna take me forever to find tissues in here. I’m sick my tissue finding skills are dulled”

My sister corrects me “ You’re not SICK. You have a runny nose”

OfficeMax even had furniture in it. I wandered around for a bit ruminating about the difficulty of the situation at hand. Nothing like sending a girl who happens to be in a cold medicine stupor into a warehouse of office supplies in order to find the one medical supply she needs.

A customer oriented sales person gave me a complete greeting “ Hi Welcome to OfficeMax. My name is John. Can I help you find what you’re looking for?”

He was visually disappointed by my answer. “Hi, um do you sell tissues? My mother said you do”

I wiped my nose with my sleeve for effect.

John looked passed me to a professional looking guy handling some pricey computer products, he was over me. “ Check aisle 9. All the way to the back wall. Top shelf I think” 

He was unconvincing. I made my way to aisle nine secretly hoping for no tissues so my mother would be wrong and the situation would prove I had been mistreated.

Aisle nine was long. He should have said “ You mean a hopeless quest?  Yeah we have tissues. They’re two and a half miles down aisle 9. You’ll hit an area with a wreath, that’s where the last guy who came in for tissues had his “ accident”. Choked on post nasal drip. Anyway, there should be a ladder there so you can get to the top shelf. There should be a box of tissues there. At least that’s the rumor”

It was like Raiders of the Lost Ark to find those tissues but my mother was right.

Twenty minutes later I exited OfficeMax with a box of tissues and a red magic marker.

When they saw the magic marker, they accused me of shopping.

“ Oh you bought a marker? No wonder it took you so long. I thought you were sick? Not too sick to shop!’

“ I bought it to mark my way so I could find my way back”

“Oh please!”

Merry Christmas from The Compassionate Cunninghams.


Officemax lonely 


Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


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