Rejected Writings: Minority Report

I know my Blonde Logic meanderings have a fun loving tone to them. You might even think "Kendra’s happy". Truth is, as much as I enjoy sharing my comedic stories here, I’d like to be a paid writer.

Over the past three years I’ve written over half a dozen "packets" for late night shows. This is part of a submission I did for Minority Report in 2014, before it was on the air. I was going for "opinionated political male" voice.

I think it’s pretty funny.
I hope you do too!

I think we’re ready to try a woman president. Pretty soon we won’t have a choice. This country hasn’t been raising men for almost a decade now. Hipsters, dudes, man boys, however you want to label them, the men of America are not expected to be men anymore. I mean, JFK was a relatable man in his day. Nowadays, if we want a relatable representation of our country, it would be a 45-year-old in a hoodie, living a variation of the life he lived 15 years ago. That’s the majority. My only concern for having a woman in the White House is for the First Man. How much crap is that guy gonna get? Media bullying will have a field day with him. People will assume he’s a beard. What guy is gonna want to be the first First Man? Only someone who’s been President before. “Oh, you want to try to run the country, sweetheart? I did that ten years ago. Your competitiveness is cute! Go for it, babe.” So, yes, I can see Hillary Clinton as President. I do wonder why she wants to do it. Why does she want to sit in the office her husband got blown by another woman in? Think about it, if your friend Tom Smith was Regional Director of Marketing at ACME and he got caught letting an intern suck his dick and everybody knew, including his wife, and he left his job, then his WIFE APPLIED for his job, don’t you think HR would be like, “Tom’ s wife is applying for Tom’s job?” A little suspicious? Frightened even? And Hillary isn’t just filling out an application and hoping for an interview. She’s raising millions of dollars and traveling the country telling everybody how bad she wants that job. I want her to get it. I think most people know she’d do a good job. She’ll be instantly popular with the racists. They’ll be sitting around saying, “Well, she’s doing better than the black guy.” I just want to see a vine of Hillary with one hand behind her head saying “What’s the President gotta do to get her dick sucked around here?” I’m sure Bill hasn’t sucked her dick in a long time.

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

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