The best thing about meeting new friends is their sincere flabbergasted reaction to my single status. They say things like “You don’t have a boyfriend? Shut up.”
“I can’t believe you’re not married! You’re a catch!” Compliments are a surefire way to start a fast and furious friendship with me. Then, after they know me better, they ask again with concern “but seriously, why ARE you single? NEVER married, never even lived with anyone? Why do you think that is?”
I usually agree with them “I know!! It’s crazy! I’m good company, easy on the eyes, sexually responsive…”
Recently, I had two friends ask me at the same time, like a single intervention.
I turned the tables quick “YOU tell ME. Seriously, you brought it up; you must have some little nugget of wisdom you want to instill on me.”
Uncomfortable laughter
“OK, how about this, I will give you the names and numbers of men from my past and present, and you can go and ask them. How about that? You guys can do a personalized sociological study for me.”
If I had money, I would fund that project.
I’d set it up so all the interviews took place in an interrogation room type setting with a one way mirror so I could watch.
Interviewer: “So we brought you here today to talk about Kendra”
Dude: “Can I get my grape soda? You promised”
Kendra: “This one’s an idiot. His opinion shouldn’t be factored in”
Next
Interviewer: “So we brought you here today to talk about Kendra”
Dude: “The blonde from the bar?”
Kendra: “Jesus Christ, can I go in there? I still hate this guy”
Next
Interviewer: “Thanks for coming in today, we brought you here to talk about your relationship with Kendra”
Dude: “I know. Is she here?”
Kendra: “He seems still interested! Did you hear the way he asked that?”
Interviewer: “She is on site but not available”
Dude: “Good. She’s really jealous and suspicious; she wouldn’t like us in the room alone together”
Kendra: “He’s flirting! See? See how it looks like he has an under bite? That’s what happens when he flirts. I can’t watch this”
After a concerted effort they come back to me with their no nonsense results:
“In conclusion, we think the problem is you get involved with dimwits and Asperger’s patients. The stats don’t lie.”
I think life would be easier if I could script, cast and direct my relationships.
They’d be a lot of directing notes
“CUT! Ok that “I’ve never felt like this before about someone so beautiful…” monologue, I like the vulnerability, but it’s a little TOO much. Tone down the vulnerability and, touch me, you can pepper the monologue with moments of stillness where you touch my hair or my leg or the hair on my leg for that matter, some sort of physical movement showing affection thing. Whatever comes naturally for you? OK? Let’s try it again. From the top of the “You’re so beautiful…..” monologue. Less vulnerability, more alpha sexuality. You’re the man in the scene, remember?”
It’d take days to get through a 7 minute scene.
Thanks for listening!
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Kisses- Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle. www.kendracunningham.com www.blondelogicblog.com twitter @kendracomedy |
