Running Club Drop Out
I have my 7th week of an 8 week running club tomorrow at 6:30 a.m. . It is past midnight and I am seriously contemplating not going. I didn’t go last week and I feel like I need to work on being consistent. I know running is good for you. Week one, the guy who runs the group tried to hype us up by saying “ I want to congratulate each and every one of you for making your cardiovascular health your top priority.”. I was tempted to raise my hand and respond “ I don’t feel right about accepting that congratulations as my top priority is reducing the cellulite on my ass” but I was too friggin’ tired to speak and I couldn’t remember if I had brushed my teeth.
I hate running mostly because I’m not good at it but also because I’m an ugly runner. I get beet red in the face, I sweat like it’s a medical condition, and I hyperventilate with my arms flailing. People stop me on the street “ are you ok? Do you need help?” . I’m like “ oh no I’m just exercising. I know it looks like there is something very bad happening but this is good for me, I’ve been told.”.
When I run, other people start running. It’s like a Domino effect. They see me coming and they throw their shit in the air and start bolting in all directions.
You know how you meet someone new and you really like them, then you bring them to a new scenario like a wedding and you come to find out they are a really enthusiastic bad dancer and suddenly you can’t think of them the same way again. Running is that thing for me. It’s an image blaster. I’m so paranoid someone I know is gonna see me running and start telling everyone “ you know that chick Kendra? I saw her running the other day. Ridiculous! She looks like an epileptic baboon or something. She definitely should not be running in public. It was shocking.”
I’m starting to wear disguises when I run. I tuck my hair up in my hat and wear big sunglasses and humongous sweatshirts. I might even get a fake mustache. I’d rather hear people saying “ hey check out this guy with the nice tits” .
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.