Secret Santa: how to beat the system

Secret Santa- it sounds way more fun than it is. Maybe there will be gifts hidden for me everywhere I go. Maybe Santa will show up where I least expect him and draw attention to me, the special person who Secret Santa came to see.
But it’s none of those things. It involves putting your name in a hat. No shit. Most often with people you work with. The organizer puts everybody’s name in a hat or bowl or something and then everybody, with some degree of reluctance, picks a name. You’ll see most people take a second before they pick to get in the “I will not have a reaction to the outcome” mode. It’s a gamble. You may get a bad one. Within seconds you are a Secret Santa to somebody you may or may not like.
First of all, no names in a hat. Jazz that shit up. Have Santa call me up, say he needs help finding a gift for Janet. Have him agree Janet deserves a big pile of steaming dog crap but you gotta be nice to Janet. She has anger management issues.
Second of all, up the ante. Most of these Secret Santa rackets are low budget. $10 limit, sometimes $20. I don’t want a $10 gift. Just give me the $10 bucks. I’ll spend it on something I don’t want all by myself. That’s the fun part of it. The buying part. I’ve purchased so much crap for less than $10 that I don’t even remember buying. A $50 secret santa, now we are getting somewhere. But that never happens.
I wasn’t invited to Secret Santa this year. Maybe because I don’t have a job. Maybe because I have been wearing my Secret Santa with a big X through it sweatshirt.
Either way I am here to help you get out of the Secret Santa circle.
One, make up a horror story about a Secret Santa gone wrong from your past.
Say you are starting to get upset and excuse yourself. Come back with smudged eyeliner and lipstick smudged around your lips. The organizer will let you off the hook. If not, call me.
If you are a man - do men do Secret Santa? Probably not. They got it easy on every friggin level. If you are a man and you are invited and you don’t want to get involved. Just say “Me Man” while banging on your chest caveman style. If that doesn’t work, call me. Actually call me either way, I want to hear the whole story.
Two, if you aren’t the type of person who can pull it off, regift. Don’t spend the $10. You have a candle at home right now that you haven’t used or a bottle of scented moisturizer. Do a google search first and make sure it’s still on the market. Believe me, it happens.
Three, say you forgot the gift, you’ll bring it tomorrow. Then call in sick for a few days. By the time you get back, it’s a little uncomfortable for the organizer to remind you. In the perfect scenario, you get a gift and don’t give one. I called in sick once on the day of Secret Santa because I was having all sorts of anxiety about it. What if somebody buys me a gift that clearly states in a subliminal message “You aren’t wanted around here?”
Maybe the whole Secret Santa was organized because, unbeknownst to me, everybody dislikes me and they plan on humiliating me.
The best way to get out of Secret Santa for a while is organize it. Be a pain in the ass about it. Put your own name in more than once, by accident. Get drunk and comment on everybody’s poorly chosen gift.
Invite me to participate so I can witness the whole thing first hand!
Hope Santa is good to you!

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
instagram /twitter @theotherkendra
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