Self Imposed Sickness

My mother never believes I’m sick. If I don’t feel good it’s somehow my fault.

Recent phone call

“Hi Mom”

“What are you doing? You sound tired. Are you lying down?”

“I am tired. I don’t feel good.”

“why not? Did you sleep? You don’t let yourself get enough sleep. That’ll make you feel sick.”

“Mum, I slept. It’s not lack of sleep. Why is it so impossible for me to have the flu?”

“well, do you have the runs?”

You can’t answer that question to my mother because she’ll do one of two things. If you say yes, she’s like Paul Revere making sure everybody knows what is happening or she’s convinced you’ll be dead in 6 weeks. “didn’t you hear about that guy? younger than you! had the runs in April -dead by June. You better go to the Doctor. What do you mean by the runs anyway?’   

If you say no, you’re simply a hypochondriac.

Which I fully admit I am.

Last year I was convinced I had stomach cancer or a tumor or something. I was always bloated and tired. I went for a physical and the doctor, with what I thought to be a bit of a smirk,told me I was perfectly healthy but, by textbook standards, twenty pounds overweight. She said “ the good news is you don’t have stomach cancer, the bad news is your overweight. It’s a double standard because if you were a man at your height and weight, you would be healthy but since you’re a woman, your overweight. You should really lose twenty pounds”

“ I think the sex change might be easier”

She wasn’t smirking. She just looked like that.  

She said “ If you cut out carbs and alcohol for a month you’ll lose ten pounds and have so much more energy.”

Why do you always have to have more energy? Is there anything I can do to lose weight and remain as lethargic as possible? I’d  like to be skinny but apathetic if that’s an option.

I like my energy level. I get enough done. The other day I had ten hours sleep, I was up by 8, I had eaten three times by one o’clock.  Who needs that much energy? When I meet people who are super high energy I get tired. I want to exit the situation. It’s too much . It’s childlike too. I mean c’mon your still that enthusiastic about life? Yeah I like life too but I’m not a 24/7 cheerleader.  I have never been a cheerleader in my life and I’m proud of it. Or a sorority girl. Although I was a lil sister or something to a frat but I didn’t really have to do anything except go to their parties which I would have done anyway so I really wasn’t conforming. At least that’s how I rationalized it. Yeah so I avoid high energy people when I can. Just like hooking up with someone a lot younger than you. I hooked up with a guy in his early twenties last year or maybe the year before ,   I felt like I was head of damage control with an untrained puppy. He was all excited sniffing around and licking everything.


I was like you better calm down, or  right back in your cage, mistah!


Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

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