Self Taunt



I’ve been mean to myself lately. If
 I was going out with me, I’d break up
with me right about now.

I’m trying to get back into the
self help scene. I used to read self help books. In fact, that is all I read, one
self help book after another. Sometimes I would read them 2 or 3 times in a
row. That’s how bad I want to be normal. I’m willing to learn. All my self help
books are worn at the seam. Any chapters titled anything along the lines of ‘how
to stop being attracted to unavailable men in 30 days or less’ have been ripped
out and laminated, or are simply unreadable due to chicken wing sauce stains.


I’ve been rereading What to Say When You Talk to Yourself  by Shad Helmstetter.

It reiterates – you should talk to
yourself like you would talk to someone you have a crush on. Your self talk
should make you feel good.

Mine doesn’t.  

My self talk is more of a self

I wake up and the first thing I say
to myself is “Were you just SLEEPING?”

Nothing like waking up to an
accusatory, disparaging voice in your own head.

I’m in an abusive relationship and
I’m not even getting laid

I have sexual fantasies and the
voiceover is “You can’t get anyone to do that for you? It’s missionary style
for Christ’s sake. You know how many people find someone to do it with them missionary
style everyday? You’re not even trying.”


The thing is, when I get into a bad
mindset, I start to think only BIG changes can make me feel better like getting
involved with a man-boy fast and furiously or packing a bag of mumu’s and big
sunglasses and taking this show on the road or aggressively demanding lit
agents meet with me. The truth is it’s always the little things that make me
feel better. Flirting (via text so I don’t have to put make up on) always makes
me feel better. Without fail. Sometimes you gotta flirt with yourself.

The Artist’s Way advocates for taking
yourself on a date or splurging on a special treat once a week. Act like you
have a crush on yourself. Last week I bought a Time Out New York. I have a love/hate
relationship with Time Out. It’s a collection of “Don’t you want to be cool in
NYC?  You gotta be doing this” articles.
Sometimes when I see Time Out I mock it with an internal ‘sooooooo what do I
gotta do this week to be cool? Well? Tell me.”  The truth is, I want to be cool so yeah, I’ll reluctantly
dish out the 5 bucks. Surprisingly, this Time Out changed my views on the
future pretty damn quick. First of all, I saw an MIH sample sale listed.

been eyeballing MIH jeans for two years. I shit you not. Two hundred bucks plus
a pair,  me likey. I went to the sample
sale the next day and got two pairs of MIH jeans for 40 bucks each. That Time
Out saved me $380 bucks and got me excited to go out in my new jeans, maybe
even flirt in person with my latest unavailable crush.

I also read about the Brooklyn Zine
Fest I
didn’t know about Zine Fests. I want to make a Zine and sell it at the next

I spent 5 bucks and ended up with
two new pairs of ass flattering jeans and a new creative endeavor. I told myself
what a good job I did and then I asked myself “you want to get a drink
sometime?” and I responded  “how about
right now?”

I remembered why I liked myself in
the first place.


Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic
living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of
her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t

twitter @kendracomedy

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