In January I joked with my sister I was gonna get married this year. It is now June, and I have not been on ONE date all year. The last time I went on a date was December 2009 and I had to go to Boston for it. He bought me two Stoli and sodas and a cheeseburger. I don’t ask for much, although I did get some fancy bacon on my cheeseburger which was an additional charge of $1. 50. He didn’t seem to mind.
My friend tried to start that whole “Well, what are you looking for in a guy?” conversation. It’s a double-edged sword when you are single too long, because on the one hand you think to yourself , “I’ve held out this long, I really want to get a good one,” and on the other hand, you’re lonely and want an immediate fix. That’s the hand I’m playing right now. I just want to be attracted to them. That’s all. The guy could have a dagger tattoo on his neck, a ‘misogyny rules’ t-shirt, and be flipping through his rapsheet at the bus stop and I would be like, “Great eyes on this guy, don’t ya think?”.
I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s friend yesterday. My ex is engaged to the girl he started going out with after me. They have been engaged for three years. I don’t get that. I don’t even believe in engagements. I think the guy should set up the whole ceremony like a surprise party. He pops the question, the girl says yes, and they jump into a vintage car, off to the altar. That would make getting married so much more fun and exciting . Lets face it, girls like when guys do things for them – especially things they know the guy doesn’t want to do, like plan a wedding. What is the point of getting engaged and then not actually getting married for YEARS?? That’s like saying, “Hey, we made a major decision, but we aren’t gonna act on it for, oh I don’t know, half a decade.” I hate stagnating.
Three years ago I was involved with a cop who carried a gun at all times and went boar hunting. If you don’t know anything about boar hunting, it’s really friggin’ scary stuff. Dogs are trained to lockjaw on the boar’s FACE, and then someone (the guy I was involved with) runs up and stabs it numerous times, while the boar is wildly trying to shake the dog from its noggin. Boars are really fucking ugly. You gotta be pretty ugly to have grown men running around the swamps of Florida trying to stab you – but only if a live dog will cover that ugly mug. There are no attractive boars. A boar’s dream is to nail a pig. That would be an upgrade for a boar. He sent a picture of the boar stabbing to my phone. I continued to see him. My point is: three years ago, I was the type of person who got involved with boar hunters; how do you go from that to nothing? I think that “alone” means I’m willing to entertain any and all offers.
My next relationship is gonna be one big game of Simon Says.
And I’m Simon.
“Simon sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyysss rub my feet!”
“Simon sayyyyyyyyyyyyssss pour me a glass of wine.”
“Go out with your friends, uh uh uhhhh ! Simon didn’t say! Silly!”
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
www. kendracunningham. com