Sorry Officer


Too many calls from mom

My mother’s phone likes to pocket dial. I know you’re thinking- pocket dial whoopdeedoo. There is an interesting story here. I swear. The thing is the phone only calls one person.

My sister’s boyfriend.

Sometimes at 7 a.m.. Sometimes at 11 p.m.. Sometimes at 9:22 then 9:24 then one more time at 9:33. It might be a 30 second voicemail of cryptic clamor. Or a 3 minute recording of my mother cursing out other drivers. If he’s lucky he gets a few minutes of her acknowledging the bogus dial aloud while trying to figure out how to stop the voicemail recording.

I tell her to delete his number. She claims she needs it  “ in case something happens”.

I can’t tell you how many decisions in my family are based on the occurrence of the improbable. Catastrophes are always factored into the decision making process. “ I can’t erase your sister’s boyfriend’s number from my phone, what if something happens? How would that look? What kind of mother would I be? I’m sorry Officer, I DON’T have my daughter’s boyfriend’s phone number because, well,  I kept calling him morning noon and night. Accidently. Of course.”

“What if something happens?”  is Cunningham talk for “ What if something HORRIBLE happens?” . It’s never something believable like “What if your sister loses her phone and she’s with her boyfriend and I need to call her on his phone but I don’t have his number?”. It’s always something that would require the arrival of, and ultimately, an interrogation by, the cops. A banal choice becomes an abominable risk.

My sister’s boyfriend made the mistake once of returning her stray call and having some laughs over it which she really enjoyed. The problem is he set a precedent that one time. Now she expects some response “You know this is the third time this week my phone has accidently called him and not once has he called back. What’s his problem? It’s not funny anymore? Well sorry let me think of something fresh and new. Ding dong ditch perhaps. Jeez. You know, something might have happened to me and he wouldn’t know…..”

Police drag woman


Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


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