Taunting the Stranglers

Somebody recently asked me that age old question “Do you think

afraid of success?” I wish I was afraid of success. That would
be a

normal fear. I’m afraid to wear a scarf. I wear a scarf and I
feel like

I’m taunting the stranglers. I’m walking down the street trying
to keep

warm thinking “I’m a walking crime scene, an accomplice in my
own murder.

I put this scarf on, I went out in public, I knew there were
people in the

world who like to strangle people, and I flaunted an opportunity
right in

front of their face. Annnnnnnnnd I hear footsteps.” If you ever
see me

wearing a scarf, odds are I’m also running, running from
imaginary mean



I don’t think I’m afraid of success. Then again my ideas of
success change

every year, sometimes every day. Today my idea of success was to
have an

Ellen Barkin-like job where I got to say things like “you listen
to me,

you son of a bitch……..” And make out with that son of a bitch 10

later. Yes, making out on the clock was included in today’s
version of

success. So in that instance, no, I’m not afraid of success.


My biggest fear is feeling like I haven’t accomplished enough. I
like to

accomplish things and I like to accomplish things as quickly as

It’s hard for me to enjoy the process because I’m white knuckled, aggressively

focussed  on finishing whatever it is. Even sex, I'm sexually competitive and looking to finish on top.

Pun intended.

I have sex like I’m
going for a KO in record breaking time. The last guy I was involved with

like a coach in bed “Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy below the belt.
Remember what

we talked about, conserve energy.” I’m a haymaker. It’s not so
much skill

as it is endurance and overenthusiasm. Anything just to tire the
guy out.

He’s falling off the bed and I’m standing with my hand on my
hip, swigging

on a water bottle, panting out the count down “10…9…8…”


It’s always hard to schedule a rematch but I don’t take it

I just practice my 2013 motto

“Be a competitor. Even when you don’t have to be”

Boxing pic

This is me getting horned up 

Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a

comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the
hell her

sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.



twitter @kendracomedy

Back to blog