The Short Life Span of a Meatball Sub

Yesterday I said something I haven’t said in a while. It felt good. I said “I’ll take the meatball sub” then I said it again.

The order taker asked “Do you want two meatball subs?”

I thought about it “Do you take cards?” I countered.

“Cash only” he said while looking at the two person line forming behind me.

Me: Ok then I’ll take one, one meatball sub and I’d like that as soon as possible”

Order taker: “to go?”

As if I’m gonna wait to get home to eat my meatball sub. Please.

“I’d like to eat my meatball sub here” I added internally “if that’s OK with you”

He took my name and my money and I went to find a seat.

Looking back, I realized a simple “What’s the turnaround time on that?” or “How long will that take?” might have been a more appropriate way of communicating my hasty excitement than the “as soon as possible” word choice. The thing is, I’m a staunch believer that menu’s should have the turn around time listed.

For example:

Bacon double cheeseburger $10 (13 minutes)

BLT $8 (5 minutes)

Sometimes you want to know how quickly you can get some God damn food , without asking directly.

Turns out I waited almost 16 minutes for my meatball sub. A guy named Tony got his food before me, even though he ordered after me. He got his food around 11 minutes after he placed his order. I wanted to know what he got for future reference but I didn’t want him to know I was monitoring his experience at the sandwich shop. Comparing it to my experience.

When they finally called “Kendra!” I saw a girl with a tray looking around.

I shot my arm up. “Here! Meatball sub!”

Someone said “That looks good” and I beamed with pride.

I made a good choice, even strangers noticed.

That meatball sub had about a 4 minute lifespan.

I thought to myself on the last bite, “don’t worry, there’s a shrimp quesadilla where you’re going, just waiting for some company”

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Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

twitter @kendracomedy

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