"the usual" fantasy

I’m a big dream interpretation fan. I wish they had food phase interpretations. I tend to have one food I compulsively eat for a month or more, then I move on. So fickle. Right now, it’s ice cream sundaes from Van Leeuwan on Bergen in Brooklyn. It started with a 1 pm sundae about a month ago. I saw a little kid with a sundae and I thought “I’m an adult. I have money. I can get a sundae, too.”

It’s these moments I love being single. I didn’t have to check in with anyone to see if they wanted a sundae or contemplate whether I would ruin my appetite for the dinner plans I had with my boyfriend. I had the urge for a sundae and the power to execute it.

I got coffee ice cream, whipped cream, and caramel sauce. I sat in the ice cream shop with my sunglasses on and no make up. Nobody paid attention to me.

When I was leaving I said to the ice cream sales boy “That was delicious, thank you”

He said “Have a nice day!”

“It’s all downhill from here” I joked as I walked out the door. I was hoping to make myself memorable so we could get to the point where I’d just say walk in and say “the usual” and he’d snap to it.

I went back the next day around 9:45 pm it was a different ice cream guy so the whole ordering “the usual” fantasy was a bust.

“What time do you guys close?” I asked


“Oh boy, I have time for two sundaes” I joked.


“I like to be the last sundae of the day” I went on.

I noticed a couple looking at me, they were sharing one sundae sitting in the window so everybody can see they are a couple who shares. I wanted to say “Yeah, I ‘m alone making small talk in the ice cream place, so what!” but I stuck to the task at hand. I ordered my sundae and I handed the ice cream guy a $20.

I’m in this weird phase where every time I hand somebody money I want to announce what denomination the bill is. Like I wanted to say “That’s a twenty”. Earlier in the day I bought a coffee with a $5 and it crossed my mind to say “That’s a five” I don’t know why. I think it’s funny for some reason.

I guess because as a bartender people tend to point out if they give you a BIG bill especially if it’s busy. They buy one bottle of Bud and hand me a bill saying “That’s a hundred” Who the fuck goes out drinking with a hundred dollar bill? I’d be holding my purse like it’s a football and I’m being tackled going for a touchdown. I’m way too paranoid to carry big bills around. I’d spend the whole night compulsively checking to make sure I still had the money. Until I got a buzz then I’d be like “Next round’s on me!

And, bartender, keep the change!” The volume of the music increases and everybody dances.

The ice cream guy didn’t want to develop a salesman/client relationship with me which made me want to talk to him more. I have become that person.

I thought about sitting in the shop until closing and watching the sharing couple just to gather evidence that I have nothing to be jealous of but I knew I’d keep up the attempt at small talk with the anti conversationalist behind the counter. I decided to leave before I started taunting him with questions about his personality like did he ever have? Does he have one that he doesn’t share? Why did he apply for a job working with the public if he doesn’t like the public?

I left without a passing “thanks” I just walked out thinking “Take a good look, I won’t be back on your shift.”

I have had at least 6 sundaes in the past 4 weeks. What does that mean?

The last time I was there I joked with the GOOD ice cream guy

“Do you guys do Loyalty Cards? Just kidding, I haven’t been loyal”

I haven’t been back since.

Ya gotta leave ‘em wanting more.




Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a standup comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


Twitter @kendracomedy




Back to blog