Tuxedo shirts and tulips
It takes so long to get to know
people. Lately I’ve been trying to script a few key questions that I consider
deal breakers, in other words, qualifying questions I used to ask the typical “what’s
your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?”
now I stop myself from blurting out “Do you snore? Do you need a mechanical
device on your face to breathe at night? Does your dick work? Ok. Pick me up at
8. You’re paying! Don’t fuck this up!”
I try to have a few I can communicate with
patience and curiosity. Ends up I have a lot of them but here are three that
came up recently.
Do you ask questions during sex?
I don’t like that. Don’t ask me
questions during sex. Odds are you’re not so inquisitive fully clothed, don’t
get curious now. I don’t even want to hear a “does that feel good?”
If you are unsure if I’m having a
good time, I’m not. I like to think my sexual behavior speaks for itself.
If you want to make a rhetorical
statement – have at it but be careful, a “you’re so sexy” might result in ME
asking questions. “What do you think is sexy about me?” and we both know you won’t
have a quick answer for that. Most guys get stumped if you question their
compliment, which infuriates me. Don’t be throwing have assed compliments
The thing is, being a stellar
communicator, if you ask a question
I’ll assume you want an answer.
Then I have to think. You don’t want me to think during sex believe me. Thinking
might lead to the realization that I’m too tired for all this.
Plus I can’t hear the music if
you’re gabbing away.
Victim of Love trumps sex talk
Do you like to talk about all the
women you are attracted to?
I love this question. You know why
I ask it? Because there are guys out there that truly believe they should be able
to treat a woman like a man. Like a buddy. A drinking buddy usually. And when a
woman responds to their barbaric behavior by acting like a woman, the guy throws
out a “You’re being insecure” There is nothing worse than listening to a guy
you are interested in talk about other women he finds attractive. It is
moronic, insensitive, and totally fucking annoying.
I’ve gotten into wicked fights over
this one. These types of guys will then say “you’re being insecure” which I
have found really means “you’re being girly” or “you’re acting vulnerable” I
guess my question should really be “do you have any degree of sensitivity for
other people’s feelings?”
Do you turn tip money into origami?
I have been out on a lot of bad
dates but I have yet to go out with an origami guy. As a bartender I see it. I
see a couple laughing and talking and sometimes even making out while the guy
sits there and makes one dollar bills into tulips or tuxedo shirts and then
offers them to me as a tip. My payment. A satirized payment I might add. What
am I supposed to do with these little prison yard arts and crafts numbers? Use
them at Dunkin Donuts?
“That’ll be three dollars, please”
“Here’s two tuxedo shirts and a
tulip. This is the currency I get paid in. Do you accept it here?”
The worst part is these guys are
Making balloon giraffes out of
condoms, I’m sure.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living
in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time
wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.