I need a haircut. I hate getting haircuts because  changing your appearance is such an obvious thing, you gotta be ready for people to talk about it. Yesterday I was thinking about scheduling a haircut and I started envisioning the whole “Hey did you get a haircut? Looks good”  Thanks! Thanks for approving of my appearance. Appreciate that.

 It’s none of anybody’s business if I got a haircut anyway. Sometimes I don’t want to admit it. I’m like” no I didn’t get a haircut and I don’t appreciate the insinuation. I got a big face ok. My face got bigger what do you think about that? You wanna say “ hey did your face get bigger? Makes you look like you got a haircut! Looks good” then go ahead and say that but don’t say I got a haircut. 

I was in a silly mood yesterday.

Last night I was eating buffalo chicken fingers at the bar and a cute guy started talking to me. He was very good looking . Did I already say he was attractive? He was. Probably the best looking guy I have seen in a while. I think most people would say he was attractive.  I think I made my point – hot guy strikes up conversation with buffalo chicken finger eating Kendra.  I had just gotten off of work and definitely  wasn’t looking as good as him which is probably why he started talking to me. Easy prey. Anyway he was skinny. And all I kept thinking about was the fact that he was skinny as I dipped my fries in blue cheese dressing. He looked  like a vegetarian or something.  I was in the process of bloating right in front of his very eyes. He was carrying on a conversation with me, looking me right in the eye which scores big points with me,  and I was already breaking up with him. Meanwhile he was probably sitting there thinking “look at this chick tear into those chicken fingers. Take a breath for Christ’s sake. I can’t go out with a chubscout who doesn’t even try to hide her enthusiasm for eating with her hands” .  

He never asked me for my number which is cool with me. If we were boxers, we’d be in two different divisions, lightweight and middleweight. That s my new litmus test for guys. Would we be in the same weight class for boxing?  Honestly, he would probably be more of a welterweight but  that is my favorite  category name and I  want to save it for when its applicable to me. Another ten pounds or so.  

So yeah, that’s dead in the water.

Although he did tell me where he works…………………….



Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


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